tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post4245418224610079951..comments2023-11-03T05:46:44.728-04:00Comments on RevGalBlogPals: Ask the Matriarch -- Tangled Family SystemsStephanie Anthony/She Revhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10089531643725874239noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-26166720100600554832013-06-04T00:02:20.056-04:002013-06-04T00:02:20.056-04:00so much good wisdom here...I have just one sort-of...so much good wisdom here...I have just one sort-of thought to add to the mix. I hear your reaction to the mother's remarks about the previous pastor--I've heard similarly offensive things as I suspect most if not all of us have--and it suddenly occurred to me that what she says doesn't in fact MEAN anything...in the sense that the words coming out through her teeth are not necessarily connected to any objective reality whatever...any more than the quacking of a mallard in a pond is a reliable witness to anything other than the presence of a duck! It's just NOISE, and there is no obligation on you to internalize any of it or to respond in any authentic way -- "bless your heart" is as good a response as there ever needs to be.Crimson Ramblerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13020190454645032359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-43180683674486584372013-05-23T22:47:53.746-04:002013-05-23T22:47:53.746-04:00The problem may be that she is living with someone...The problem may be that she is living with someone who has a bad history with the church, has been to prison, and is believed to be on parole now. It may be more about *who* she is living with than *that* she is living with someone.<br /><br />Regardless, the decision should be made based on your and/or the church's values not on how hard it will be to get a replacement.<br /><br />Sarah Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-11918588997265146652013-05-23T14:58:06.326-04:002013-05-23T14:58:06.326-04:00It is not simple in a small community to remember ...It is not simple in a small community to remember and to focus on the role of just being the Pastor. We wear too many hats. Yet that is our call. <br />Recently, I experienced a similar triangulation, very painful and the cause of much discernment. I realized that God gifts us all with specific gifts and talents because we are not called to do everything. Other professionals, police, lawyers, therapists, doctors, all have their calling as God's people and we, as Pastors, are modelling God's kingdom/community, when we connect folks with those gifts. <br /> I made a list of local therapists and their specialties to share with folks. I tell them, with complete sincerity, that these folks can help them be healthy and give them the focus and time that I cannot. I can be there spiritually, but I am not called to be a therapist (short term, goal focused counseling is quite different than serious characteristic/dynamics work). <br />Like those above, I agree, the daughter and yourself need your own relationship apart from the mother's input in order for you to be her pastor. But I was really affirmed by the legal advice given above as I simply continued to support those who have those gifts and vocational focus; I don't, I don't want to, and I don't have to!<br />finally, I think the part where you continue to deal with the mother as a pastor is important, aside from the boundary issues, your call to share communion, to pray for her needs, and to visit the sick and sheltered is intact, no matter who else is in her life. Bring her scripture to talk about, ask her favorite Bible stories, read them and then talk about them. It relieves the whole focus on her dysfunctions and brings to you gifts and blessings of her life-long experience in the Body of Christ. <br />Good luck and God be with you. I truly dislike being in the position you're in...but it won't be the last time for either of us...we live in a fallen humanity. :) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-23828605543446623282013-05-23T11:39:37.707-04:002013-05-23T11:39:37.707-04:00We had so many good answers, I did not add one of ...We had so many good answers, I did not add one of my own, but these two issues are the thorns for me. The former pastor, were he in my denomination (UCC) could jeopardize his ministerial standing through these actions. Where the daughter is concerned, there are many churches where no one would bat an eye at her living situation where the boyfriend is concerned. I've married daughters and granddaughters of the church who were living in homes bought with their partners; some even had the baby first. Better to keep them feeling part of the community than the alternative, in my humble opinion. Martha Sponghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14429314508709416638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-51395300136130323562013-05-23T11:24:57.507-04:002013-05-23T11:24:57.507-04:00The former pastor being the executor of the estate...The former pastor being the executor of the estate alone raises huge red flags for me. In my denomination at least that is a big no-no. That said, that piece is done. I think all you can do is offer appropriate pastoral support to mother AND daughter without getting pulled into the middle...easier said than done, I know. <br /><br />I also agree with those who have said they wouldn't address the daughter's living arrangements. Unless your church/denomination has a specific written policy, or it interferes in some way with the person's ability to do her job safely, not much you could do anyway, except cause more hard feelings. Rev Dr Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14686528826414330355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-44377566299512210222013-05-23T10:49:50.392-04:002013-05-23T10:49:50.392-04:00Interesting answers from everyone. One of the stre...Interesting answers from everyone. One of the strengths of the RevGals and A the M is this kind of sharing. Ministry can be very isolating so A the M helps!Sally-Lodge Teelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06487258335850154498noreply@blogger.com