tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post4324164656597428189..comments2023-11-03T05:46:44.728-04:00Comments on RevGalBlogPals: Ask the Matriarch - Showers and Weddings and Gifts - Oh My! EditionStephanie Anthony/She Revhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10089531643725874239noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-37080969917057407222010-04-02T22:28:06.638-04:002010-04-02T22:28:06.638-04:00Introvert that I am, I'm not big on going to w...Introvert that I am, I'm not big on going to wedding receptions and rehearsal dinners and such, unless there is a longstanding personal relationship with the couple. You can't go to all of them, and it gets dicey if you go to one couple's reception and not to another. That said, in some churches, the reception is held right in the parish hall. In that case, if it were my church, I'd definitely at least make an appearance at the reception. Gifts? Nope, unless there is a personal relationship. <br /><br />As for baby showers, I'd only go if there were a pastoral issue (for example, if I'd counseled them through fertility struggles or through an adoption or something), but I might send them a little gift - I do like the Toddler Bible idea - I've sent a CD of music that might be soothing to a baby on occasion.<br /><br />Just my $.02. YMMV.mibi52/ The Rev. Dr. Mary Brennan Thorpehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02129758906278501568noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-63067230665257952012010-04-02T13:16:55.307-04:002010-04-02T13:16:55.307-04:00I simply don't give gifts, and I feel no sense...I simply don't give gifts, and I feel no sense of guilt about that. I was in a 700-member parish and am now in one about twice that size, and there's simply no way to do gifts without breaking the bank. I send or give a card, but honestly; I don't think most people expect a gift from the pastor. (I know we didn't, when we got married.)<br /><br />I rarely attend rehearsal dinners unless I am very close to the family. And I never attend showers; I even tell families that directly, and simply say, "I don't attend showers because there would be too many to go to!" If you say that with gentle grace, people are usually very understanding.<br /><br />I can see how things might be very different in a small rural setting, but I haven't had that experience.Shalomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06089748396867624769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-55763277446020052582010-04-01T15:26:20.972-04:002010-04-01T15:26:20.972-04:00Lets try this again. My first comment came off pre...Lets try this again. My first comment came off preachy and better-mommy-than-you and that's not where I am...<br /><br />If I give a book, I give one that offers a gentle perspective along with encouragement. Dr. Sears for Nighttime Parenting puts the sleep cycle in perspective. (A) You are tired and your sleep WILL be interrupted (B) there's options - figure out what works for you and this baby. <br /><br />What I don't give are books which demean a marriage or a child. It's not about power, it's about serving one another in love. It's hard to find good books. OTOH, I like to be personal if I am going to give a gift.<br /><br />I like the idea of a "standard gift" because it allows the card which goes with it (whoever is officiating) to be personal, even if the gift is standard. And I LOVE the candle idea. :)<br /><br />dgvDebhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07077252518911858612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-43856597230154975672010-04-01T14:52:52.825-04:002010-04-01T14:52:52.825-04:00You can buy small Bibles in bulk, typically are $5...You can buy small Bibles in bulk, typically are $5 or less a piece. That's appropriate for both weddings and baby showers.Rebekah's Inexpensive Weddinghttp://www.savemoneyonawedding.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-58178994219937056492010-04-01T14:08:11.352-04:002010-04-01T14:08:11.352-04:00I also often go with the "it depends"......I also often go with the "it depends"....but in our mid-sized congregation, I consider weddings "outreach" events - opportunities to meet and interact with people I would otherwise never encounter.<br /><br />I try to find meaningful and appropriate cards and write a special note of blessing inside. In order to be consistent, however, I have not given gifts for weddings, graduations, confirmations, etc.<br /><br />I do like the idea of some kind of a gift from the church. Might have to work on that!Bethanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876684424933696852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-10344301829701715422010-04-01T14:01:19.137-04:002010-04-01T14:01:19.137-04:00I am always aware that if I take a place at a rehe...I am always aware that if I take a place at a rehearsal dinner or reception, then there maybe someone the family had to leave off the list in order to accommodate the pastor. So I only go if I can do a short time at the cocktail hour at the reception, and not use up what is likely to be a coveted spot.<br /><br />If I am officiating, I have a couple of set homilies that include giving the couple a gift in the service ... for some a copy of "The Message," for others a candle and a thing of sea salt, to remind them that God wants to use their marriage as salt and light in the world.All Saints Episcopal Churchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17020697581260736557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-4447663282849768812010-04-01T13:23:37.637-04:002010-04-01T13:23:37.637-04:00I just picked this up, so haven't read it in i...I just picked this up, so haven't read it in its entirety, but it looks GREAT and would make an affordable gift for newlyweds:<br /><br /><a href="http://fortresspress.com/store/item.jsp?clsid=204260&productgroupid=0&isbn=0806640626" rel="nofollow">A Prayerbook for Husbands and Wives: Partners in Prayer</a><br /><br />Probably not a great fit for every couple, but still lovely!semfemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08669630858664979871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-73297505970991059402010-04-01T11:43:05.855-04:002010-04-01T11:43:05.855-04:00I find going to the rehearsal dinner valuable, wor...I find going to the rehearsal dinner valuable, worth my time, it's a great opportunity to get a read on the family dynamics and perhaps pick up a story to add to my wedding sermon. I almost never go to the reception, unless I'm close to the couple &/or the family. I've been wildly inconsistent on gifts; I get something for those I'm close to, not for those I'm not. My first few weddings, I gave some sort of devotional for couples at the last pre-marital session, but it seemed to go over like a lead balloon so I stopped. <br /><br />I'm pastor of a small church, so I haven't been invited to that many showers. I go, thinking it's good ministry opportunity. I hold as a value the idea of the community helping a couple with their first child, so I try not to resent the gift (some small bitterness is possible as I am childless, but I think it's a good spiritual discipline to get over it).<br /><br />Sometimes it's hard to give up Saturday time for these functions, but it's often good relationship building. Be sure to take some extra time off the next week - a half day for some good self-care is totally appropriate.PrJooliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06849166852403625550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-23536333191408308492010-04-01T11:32:48.617-04:002010-04-01T11:32:48.617-04:00Speaking as a two time Mother of the Bride who inv...Speaking as a two time Mother of the Bride who invited several pastors to attend both weddings, I'd like to weigh in.<br /><br />Attendance at any of the wedding-related functions is a gift in itself and nothing else is expected as far as we are concerned. I'm very mindful of the demands on pastors' time --but maybe not everyone is.<br /><br />Certainly it is true that expectations in urban and rural areas can be quite different.Jody Harringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08031378214797420014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-9953207222926748592010-04-01T11:25:44.988-04:002010-04-01T11:25:44.988-04:00I think using your judgment on attendance is great...I think using your judgment on attendance is great. I've never attended both the rehearsal dinner and reception for a congregant's wedding - though I will ask which they'd prefer me to attend if they are inviting me to both.<br /><br />In terms of simple gifts, for our wedding, a friend gave us a nativity set - it was an unusual enough gift that eight years later, I know exactly who gave it to us and think of them every year when I pull it out. You can get some great ones at 10,000 Villages too.<br /><br />For baby showers, I'd find a board book you like and give that. Not to start a mom-controversy here, but I'd steer clear of any of the hot topics that make new moms feel defensive (choices about sleeping and feeding top that list). Baby showers & expectant parents are already loaded with unsolicited advice.Susie/Nueva Cantorahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13111443190777358634noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-73699883503902634092010-04-01T11:14:03.900-04:002010-04-01T11:14:03.900-04:00Hot Cup, you are so right on! I would never think ...Hot Cup, you are so right on! I would never think of missing anything (rehearsal dinner, reception, baby shower) in my previous parish (small, rural). I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of them, and it felt like a very important thing to do. But they were few and far between, so it didn't feel burdensome at all.<br /><br />Dawn, that candle idea is terrific!earthchickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12447310443886956100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-6957077555201201082010-04-01T11:11:27.017-04:002010-04-01T11:11:27.017-04:00A mentor of mine gave every couple a candle. He wo...A mentor of mine gave every couple a candle. He would tell them that the hardest thing about a fight is being the first one to say, "I'm sorry". His advice was for each to take time alone, then, when one is ready, light the candle and leave it somewhere when they are ready to talk. Glad to say my husband and I still have not lit ours, but David's honesty meant we are never afraid of having an argument.<br /><br />Perhaps your church could agree on a gift that would go to every couple and the card could be signed by you and the other pastors.The Rev. Dawn Leger, BA, MDivhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13055804345165424810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-77583182232523725122010-04-01T11:08:49.019-04:002010-04-01T11:08:49.019-04:00i think much depends on the setting... 700 members...i think much depends on the setting... 700 members is different than in boonieville. in rural ministry i'd say attending the rehearsal dinner and reception are pretty important... because you are there not as another guest... but "pastor" and so it's an excellent opp. for ministry and checkin' in with folks you might not have seen in the pew for awhile...<br /><br />add to this, that in boonieville "town" pretty much attends the reception... i mean everyone goes.<br /><br />gifts? i usually paint a small painting... under $10 to do.Hot Cup Lutheranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00125425492709186198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-18126544043149321642010-04-01T10:48:42.087-04:002010-04-01T10:48:42.087-04:00for baby showers I almost always give Amazon gift ...for baby showers I almost always give Amazon gift cards--because there's always something you didn't know you needed, and Amazon will deliver it right to your door in two days--no going out of the house with a newborn necessary! :-)<br /><br />I don't take gifts to weddings unless I really know the person well. I only go to receptions or rehearsal dinners if I really like them and their guests--I don't want to spend my "day off" hanging out with people who stress me out. :-) So, the vast majority of the time, I say "I have another appointment" or "I don't have my sermon written for tomorrow yet, so I need to get to work--have a great time!"Terihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10838436991138846332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-11013168473417400362010-04-01T10:32:36.814-04:002010-04-01T10:32:36.814-04:00I'm a fan of giving a gift in the couple's...I'm a fan of giving a gift in the couple's name. After spending some time with them and getting to know their interests I can give the gift to an organization they would likely support. A $10 donation doesn't break the bank, and the thought is appreciated. People like to know that you've gotten to "know" them!altar egohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11564052536173244610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-20618624816638100812010-04-01T10:23:41.467-04:002010-04-01T10:23:41.467-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Debhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07077252518911858612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-5113464622568773282010-04-01T10:08:04.919-04:002010-04-01T10:08:04.919-04:00Just wanted to add the link for Ten Thousand Vill...Just wanted to add the link for <a href="http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/" rel="nofollow"> Ten Thousand Villages </a>earthchickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12447310443886956100noreply@blogger.com