tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post8999055452395225167..comments2023-11-03T05:46:44.728-04:00Comments on RevGalBlogPals: Boundaries. Hopes. Concerns. Ask the matriarch.Stephanie Anthony/She Revhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10089531643725874239noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-33690169160179072022007-09-14T14:52:00.000-04:002007-09-14T14:52:00.000-04:00My day job is with an agency that serves the elder...My day job is with an agency that serves the elderly. A couple of suggestions:<BR/><BR/>If this appears to be an isolated incident, but you do suspect that the Lonely Guy may be having cognitive/emotional problems related to age and loneliness, you can call your local council/commission on aging and make a referral. A social worker from the agency will call the individual, simply explain that friends and neighbors are concerned, and offer a variety of senior services. Many elders are socially isolated, and even having a daily visit from a meals-on-wheels driver, or going to a local senior center for a few hours, or similar social activity facilitated by being in the senior-services loop, can be helpful. And at least in my state most services are donation, not fee, based, so they're accessible to anyone. But...seniors of sound mind can refuse help, and often do, for a variety of reasons.<BR/><BR/>If this gentleman's behavior is serial, and/or if he does other things that have the potential to hurt self or others (like driving badly, or severe self-neglect), your best step may be to call your local Adult Protective Services office. You can make a referral anonymously in most states, and in most states APS has a small window of opportunity in which they are mandated to respond to your call in some way. It is extremely difficult to legally prove incompetency, but at least making the referral brings the individual to the attention of other local helping professionals and starts a paper trail so that if his behavior continues/worsens there's a written record of it. <BR/><BR/>Sidebar: One of my officemates is a social worker with experience in nursing home situations as well as with at-home seniors, and her strategy with "horned toads" and other problem individuals is to very strongly and bluntly tell them to cut it out. She talks about one client she knew long ago, a retired sailor with dementia, who constantly made passes and lewd remarks aimed at nursing home staff. He seemed to be re-living his days on shore leave;-)...one day my friend was called in to deal with him after he frightened a new employee with some obscene behavior, and she yelled at him the way a commanding officer would: "Sailor, what do you think your wife will do to you when you get home if she finds out you've been misbehaving with other women while you're in port?" She says he became very sheepish and apologetic, and his inappropriate behaviors lessened after that.LutheranChikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02685566332651377907noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-10721680229859956852007-09-14T09:07:00.000-04:002007-09-14T09:07:00.000-04:00I have been on the end of a person like this, it w...I have been on the end of a person like this, it was planned by him and I never saw it coming....(from behind). The cost to me has been terrible and the process long in becoming whole again. It was the sanctuary of the Chancel where I found safety from the attacker.<BR/><BR/>Do not hesitate to tell her to lock her doors...all of them. She may have had something in the past that has made her respond by withdrawing so completely..this should be checked out as well. If so, it needs to be addressed so it won't build on itself. Fear crashes the immune system very quickly.<BR/><BR/>Men get permission by all of society ('boys will be boys') except any of us who have been victims. Women have every right as men do to be safe...when it's them you need to find safety from...then society has again allowed this..we are all Children of God!<BR/><BR/>Both of them (separately) need to be offered help and pastoral care in which they will be respected, yet find the actions dealt with, and what has been offered here already is good.<BR/><BR/>Fear is not a Christian tool for any good for bringing love into anything....the two do not exist together. The Bible is clear on that too.<BR/><BR/>Does your Church not have a Sexual Abuse Policy? It should be for all..clergy, members, adherents and visitors alike.<BR/><BR/>We have a Privacy and Protection Policy called a Tender Trust. One was forged for our own church out of Church and Government Policies.<BR/><BR/>The Sexual Abuse Policy is from Church Headquarters. Conferences see the Policy is set up with channels for respect for every individual..on both sides. It has a process in place...often I would hope most things can be resolved and ways to provide counseling, or healing can occur. Charges can also be laid as well.<BR/><BR/>There was no Policy in place at the time I was dealing with this in my Pastorate. The man was an official in the church...not great stuff. But now, we are much more aware and careful, and have ways to protect as well as to deal with this. <BR/><BR/>Prevention is best!<BR/><BR/>My prayers accompany you ...Free Flying Spirithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15383200295283942042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-34158595437282419272007-09-14T07:43:00.000-04:002007-09-14T07:43:00.000-04:00This question is a good example of the variety of ...This question is a good example of the variety of issues facing clergy. Who would have thought that the Call included this but it does...St. Casserolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14046979001194772038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-61735645087826722912007-09-13T17:02:00.000-04:002007-09-13T17:02:00.000-04:00The thing about this one that makes me think there...The thing about this one that makes me think there is something wrong is the "testiness" issue. I hate to say it, but if my husband were 80 and widowed, he might drop by to visit a new parishioner unannounced. He'd think it was neighborly. He would not however, let himself in. And he wouldn't get testy if asked to leave. In other words, there is more to this than hyper-gregariousness. <BR/><BR/>I would definitely call a family or social service agency. And I'd lock my kitchen doors.RevHRodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16487849573949444379noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-48240817812875882442007-09-13T14:37:00.000-04:002007-09-13T14:37:00.000-04:00such sound advice Matriach's thank you :-)such sound advice Matriach's thank you :-)Sallyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01759963926280667938noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-7771259232575848542007-09-13T14:33:00.000-04:002007-09-13T14:33:00.000-04:00I don't have a response, but this is a really good...I don't have a response, but this is a really good question. I know how I'd handle it if someone showed up in <I>my</I> kitchen, but when it's 2 people from the church (and I'm not one of them), not in the building itself, it's a whole other ballgame. Great thing to bring up.<BR/><BR/>(PS-- When I read the post, I thought, "Why are we doing Ask the Matriarchs on Wednesday this week?!" Good grief.)Dihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05501047587752329779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-26725927535330545752007-09-13T11:28:00.000-04:002007-09-13T11:28:00.000-04:00One of the blessings of smally communities is that...One of the blessings of smally communities is that when support systems exists there is often a lot of contact between them. (one of the curses of small communities is that often support systems don't exist). Here I could easily contact -in an informal, no names way- the local counsellor who works with seniors for advice. It may be that the individual is known to the agencies who are trying to work with him and family on an action plan.<BR/><BR/>ANd yes, if such inappropriate behoviour continues then protection of others is very high on the priority list (which may also be protecting him too).<BR/><BR/>--<A HREF="http://followingfrodo.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">Gord</A>Riverview Unitedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07161860851822689606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-27117704510653489072007-09-13T10:41:00.000-04:002007-09-13T10:41:00.000-04:00Oh my.There was a gentleman in our congregation (R...Oh my.<BR/><BR/>There was a gentleman in our congregation (RIP) who used to (in his younger years) regularly pinch bottoms of women at church who were not his wife--and the wife (RIP) was sometimes standing near him when he did it.<BR/><BR/>People thought it was cute--at least the people who tell the story do. ("Oh, just a horny old toad!" I was told.)<BR/><BR/>He made an untoward gesture once at me when I visited him in the hospital. I did not think it was cute and I told him so, in a pastorally appropriate way.<BR/><BR/>I hope you are able to deal with this soon in a way that helps him and helps the women in your conngregation to feel safe. I think you've got some good advice here.Juleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18324456402703897094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14710344.post-81707799026754059852007-09-13T10:15:00.000-04:002007-09-13T10:15:00.000-04:00Very well said. Thank you.Very well said. Thank you.hip2bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00043622691294207012noreply@blogger.com