Ask the Matriarch - Hard Sell or No Sell?

Our question this week raises a fairly typical and often unpleasant tension within churches, a tension that is frequently grounded in anxiety about church growth. Our matriarchs offer some good thoughts.

Our church has a few folks in the community who visit from time to time, often drifting in and out of the life of the church seasonally. Since the church is small, it is always very obvious who is a visitor and who is a member on Sunday morning.

Right now there are three couples who do this. I know who they are, I know what their situations are, and I have talked to each of them about whether or not they are interested in any "next steps" and so far, all are content to be visitors, and my impulse is to honor that.

One couple in particular introduced themselves to me on the first Sunday they visited as members of "St-So-and So" around the corner, and on the visitor offering envelope they write their names but not address or phone numbers. I take that to mean they do not wish to be visited or called, and make a concerted effort to speak with them after worship every time they are here.

My approach when someone introduces themselves as a church member somewhere else is "hands off". That is to say be warm and welcoming but don't try to sheep steal. I know the meaning and context of name-on-the-dotted-line membership is changing, and I think the church's attitude needs to change with it. Some people will not join, and that's okay with me.

However, I'm getting pressure to put on the full court press with these folks. Is my approach pastoral? Biblical? Good discipleship? Or am I not trying hard enough?

Sunday's Coming responds:
My first reaction is to encourage you to keep to your instincts to be truly hospitable and allow these folks to relate to your community at the level with which they are happy. (I suppose this is a ‘pastoral’ response – and for what it’s worth, this is the line I always take myself.)

If you’re worried about winning others over to your way of thinking, maybe a Biblical approach would help.
Jesus, of course, calls people to follow him: always did, always will. But nowhere do I see signs of Jesus building anything other than the kingdom of God. Our perspective needs to be a kingdom one, too – not building up our own little empires. Jesus said ‘I will build my church’ - not ‘I will ask you to build churches’. Of course we do build churches and at their best they help God’s people to grow in faithfulness and follow Jesus.

If people in your church are asking you to encourage others to join the fellowship without regard to pastoral need or point of pilgrimage, maybe you could question them ‘why is this right for that person right now?’ - it feels as though there is some unspoken assumption that it is ‘right’ to round up as many sheep as possible: it just isn’t!

Diane writes:

I think this pastor's approach is spot on. A "hard sell" rarely or never works, anyway. I also agree with her about sheep-stealing. If people express an interest in joining, that's one thing; but I would never make a play for people who identify themselves as members of another church. She might remind the people who are pressuring her that the "full court press" will probably backfire.

There are times, of course, when a gracious invitation to affiliate with one's congregation is appropriate; but this situation doesn't seem to be one of them.

Rev Honey says:
There has definitely been a significant increase in the number of persons who regularly attend and financially support our congregation, yet prefer not to become members. This trend doesn’t make sense to those who have “signed on the dotted membership line” over the years.

Some of our members have expressed frustration that I have not “gotten these persons to join.” I explain to them that I have spoken personally with any of these individuals who have given us contact information and, for whatever reason, they do not wish to join. I also explain that the only thing these persons cannot do in the life of our congregation is to vote in congregational meetings. Generally when I say that, the questioners back off.

I think your approach is spot-on. I believe that we need to be intentional about cultivating emotionally healthy relationships that respect people where they are. I do not want to teach co-dependent behavior, sheep-stealing, or an unhealthy focus on “the numbers.” Members and regular attenders alike need to know that they can ask for what they want in our community of faith, and their choices will be honored.

Sue adds:
I tend to think along the same lines as our questioner this week. We have some folks who like to pop in from time to time just "for a change of scenery" or just to hear a different kind of sermon, or whatever. I always welcome them, make a point of saying hello and introducing them to at least a few people in our congregation that they may not have met on their last visit.

My sense has sometimes been that we were sort of a calm in the spiritual/theological storm for some of these folks. They were either church-shopping or not content with the theology coming from their present pulpit (this was definitely the case with one family) and needed a place to visit without the hard sell. They came to our church because we have a reputation in the community of being "welcoming but not smothering" as one of our Rev Pals once put it.

Personally, I think people are grown up enough to make a decision about where they will worship without any added pressure. Our little church will continue to be what it is - if a family decides that it is a good fit, we will rejoice in that. On the other hand, if after a few visits it isn't working for them, then all I can do is pray that they find a more appropriate spiritual home.

Also, I'm just not comfortable with even the appearance of "sheep-stealing" by pressuring folks to make a firm commitment and transferring memberships and such. I guess the hard sell just isn't for me.

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We have a fairly unanimously opinion among the matriarchs this week. What about the rest of you? What is your experience in this area? How have you handled church members who pressure you to turn on the hard sell? How have you handled visitors from other congregations, especially those who settle in long-term without officially joining? Please share your thoughts!

We have many questions lined up in the queue. If you have a question you want the matriarchs to discuss, please send it to us at askthematriarch@gmail.com.

Book Pals Reminder for July

On the last Monday of this month, the RGBP Book Pals will be discussing The Alto Wore Tweed by Mark Schweizer. This is the first in his hilarious Liturgical Mysteries series which includes The Bass Wore Scales, The Soprano Wore Falsettos, The Tenor Wore Tapshoes, etc.

The Alto Wore Tweed introduces you to St. Germaine, North Carolina and Hayden Konig--chief of police and choirmaster extraordinare of St. Barnabus Episcopal Church. He is also a big fan of mystery writer Raymond Chandler, who he tries to imitate. The author is also a church musician and his send-ups of the follies of church life are spot-on. And funny!

How can you resist a book that features a Christmas pagent entitled 'The Penguin of Bethlehem" set amidst the town's Nativity Feud between the Kiwanians and the Rotarians. Or the author's setting of The Moldy Cheese Madrigal?

For extra credit, go to the publisher's website here and you can download the music to the Moldy Cheese Madrigal ("some milk and moldy cheeses we give to the Holy Jesus. Fa-la-la-la etc.") or listen to a performance of it.

Tuesday Lectionary Leanings: "Get the Hook" Edition

The coming Sunday's lessons can be found here .

This week's readings are full of sheep. [Rim shot!]

And shepherds.

Here in Lutherland our OT lesson is Jeremiah's rebuke to baaahd (sorry) shepherds, paired with God's promise to restore the wholeness and safety of the flock. Some of you will instead be reading the story of Nathan receiving a word from God about establishing former shepherd David as ruler over the flock of Israel. Some of us will also be hearing the familiar words of Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd..." And in the middle of Mark's terse, action-packed text we hear the poignant story of Jesus, who's trying to take his road-weary disciples on a retreat in the wilderness, instead being met by more people needing help and hope...and, instead of saying, "Come back in a few days when we're rested and ready," having compassion on these "sheep without a shepherd" and caring for them where they were.

What words to we have to share with our own flocks this Sunday, about shepherds and sheep? What do the texts have to say to us, in our respective vocations within the Body of Christ? As always, feel free to post your comments here!

2nd Monday Possibilities

When we talked last month about a new feature for the 2nd Monday, we got a lot of great ideas, including:

• exploring a different spiritual practice each month
• sharing favorite links (both blogs and other websites)
• sharing things for which we are grateful
• or sharing sitings of God

What we need now is to get a sense of which would be most desired by the wider group, and to recruit someone(s) to host the feature. Please let us know in the comments if you might be interested!

Sunday Afternoon Music Video: Elijah Rock

In my community today, we read from the minor prophet Amos. Then we heard from the pulpit a challenge to let ourselves not only listen to what prophets old and new have to say to us, but to be prophets ourselves, in word and action. We are called, we are chosen. Here and now.

Moses Hogan's arrangement of the spiritual Elijah Rock sounds prophetic to me. The word is sometimes loud, sometimes whispered; it can be piercing or deeply sustaining; it is on the move, first in one section, then in another; but the voice of God is heard regardless.

What did your community give voice to today in song? Let us know in the comments what music moved you, what music called to you!

---

Just the vocals:

Elijah Rock - Moses Hogan Chorale

Prayer for Proper 10B/Ordinary 15B/Pentecost 6

Dear God,
Thank you for this new fresh day.
We thank you for the rest from the night before.
We thank you for this day of Sabbath you have given us;
A day of rest in you,
A day of relaxation in you, and
A day of recreation in you.

We need this time with you Lord,
In the hustle and bustle of our lives.
We need this respite with you Lord,
In the tiredness of our lives.
We need this repose with you Lord,
from the tenseness of our days.
We need this leisure with you Lord,
from our overworked jobs.

So Lord,
Thank you for the Sabbath that quietens our souls
So that we may hear you.
Thank you for the Sabbath that rests us
So that we can draw near to you.
Thank you for the Sabbath that relaxes us to be able to
Open ourselves to your grace.
Thank you for your Sabbath that recreates
us in a time of play with you.
Amen.


cross posted at rev abi's long and winding road and at revgalprayerpals

11th Hour Preacher Party - A Heady Affair

OK - so, puns aren't usually my thing, but I couldn't resist.

There are definitely some rich and image-filled texts to work with this week - dancing before God and kings, heads on platters, plumb lines. On Tuesday it looked like there were a lot of folks going with David, but there was a smattering of everything being tossed about?

Are there any Reformed tradition folks recognizing the Blessed Birthday?


What are you thinking about? Where are you going? What do you need?

As always there are snacks, sermons, prayers, intros, illustrations, and support to just wrap it up and preach it! Stop in when you can and enjoy the party. Like the lectionary this week, there's rarely a dull moment!

Friday Five: Exercise

I just got back from an 8 mile bike ride down the beach boardwalk near our home, and was struck with the number of people out enjoying physical activity. Runners, other cyclists, surfers, swimmers, dogwalkers, little kids on scooters....

It's easy to lose track of my physical self-care in the midst of flurried preparation for a final on-campus interview Monday for a college teaching position in the Midwest (prayers welcome!) and the family move that would accompany it. But each day that I do make time to walk or ride my bike it is such a stress reliever that it is well worth the time invested!

So how about you and your beautiful temple of the Holy Spirit?

1. What was your favorite sport or outdoor activity as a child?

2. P.E. class--heaven or the other place?

3. What is your favorite form of exercise now?

4. Do you like to work out solo or with a partner?

5. Inside or outside?

Bonus: Post a poem, scripture passage, quotation, song, etc. regarding the body or exercise.



As always, let us know in comments if you play. Post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to, click here.

Ask the Matriarch - Touchy-Touchy!

Our question today is a touchy one! How do you deal with parishioners who are touching or handling you in ways that are inappropriate or make you uncomfortable?

I'm a minister-in-training with the Church of Scotland and have been very aware of well, 'touchy-feely' parishioners/ folks visiting service. Now, I'm generally a tactile type, but... well there are limits!
Here's an example:
I was on placement at a central church in the city - and the only female on 'team', which was absolutely fine. Anyhow, it was a 'rugby' weekend when Ireland where playing Scotland. After the 1st morning service, 3 huge men [really, almost 7 foot high x 7 foot wide, they had obviously played rugger in their younger years!] came out of the service, whereupon one of them tucked me under his arm and said 'well, we thought we'd teach you all a lesson in how to play rugby.'

There were a couple of thoughts that came to mind:
1/ knee said guy in the groin for being way too familiar, in Christian love of course.
2/ knee him in the groin anyway just for boasting about their team winning!!
3/ respond graciously to the over-familiarity, because as a woman and as a professional, that's what we have to do.

Of course, I opted for number 3 and made a gently humorous and extremely gracious quip back with a smile, although I was inwardly fuming. All was fine and off they went.
However... they would never have done this to the male ministers. Why is it that some chaps think they can get away with invading a woman's personal space in such a way, when they would never dream of doing the same kind of thing to a male minister?
While I don't want to be stand-offish and cold, I also do not want to be literally man-handled. How do you deal with this subtle/ not so subtle sexism... and, should I just have gone for option one!!?? :)

Sue responds:
First, let me say that you handled this very well and with a lot of grace. Their behaviour was entirely inappropriate of course. After all these years I am still dealing with subtle and not-so-subtle sexism in the church - even in my uber-liberal denomination.

In my own congregation, two women clergy came before me, so my credibility was intact before I even stepped in the door. They understood and had no problem with women in ministry. They still have no issues there.

However, we are in amalgamation talks with a church that used to be Methodist and became part of the United Church of Canada in 1925. They have never had an ordained female minister. Ever. I'm preaching at their church (with both of our congregations) for five weeks this summer. Last week was week 2.

One fellow, who should and does know better, stopped me at coffee time and said, "That's a nice suit" - then he stepped his whole body back, put up his hands, laughed and asked, "Or is that sexist??"

Now, why did he have to add that? I pretty much pretended I didn't hear it, or understand it, and carried on the conversation briefly before moving on. I didn't want to start a scene in coffee hour by kicking him in the groin. :)

Another gentleman, the same day, at the back of the church following worship awkwardly shook my hand, had trouble looking me in the eye and said, "Thank you....uh....Miss." It wasn't his fault. He has no context in which to place me. There I am conducting worship in alb and stole - something he's not at all familiar with - and he stumbled on the exit. That gentleman I can understand. The other guy (the suit guy) knows better. That's the difference for me.

It's a matter of whether someone is just generally confused about how to receive you and honour your presence - as unusual as it may be to them - or someone who is just trying to get under your skin.

In the first case, I responded with gratitude. I wish I had a better answer as to how to respond to the ones who are just messing with my head. I do know, however, that this will come up at our summary meeting in the fall when we have both church councils together to talk about how the summer went. The Other Church, in our case, needs to do some intentional learning where women and the church are concerned.

Sunday's Coming writes:
You are entitled to have your own physical boundaries respected. Personally I wouldn’t worry about seeming ‘cold and stand-off-ish’ if this means that men don’t patronise you – it is up to you when you choose to let your guard down, not them. There’s also an important issue here that what happens to a woman minister in front of the congregation sends out important signals to all the people there (especially young women).

I have (even by quite close friends) been described as a ball-breaker, but I won’t put up with anything that I think sets a bad example: it is striking that I don’t have to do or say anything to impose this, people just seem to pick it up. (Psychologists might want to talk about eye contact or ‘bearing’ or other non-verbal signals).
In private of course I am as warm and friendly as the next person – but in front of a congregation I hope I am professional & I expect to be treated as such.

Just call me prickly!

As Sue makes clear, the issue isn't always one of physical touch - sometimes what a person says can be just as inappropriate. I'm guessing that many of us have dealt with suggestive or otherwise inappropriate comments from parishioners or colleagues. In some ways, this issue is no different from us than for women of any male-dominated profession. But in other ways, our situation is unique - we are expected to give and receive hugs, to allow for (and even nurture) a certain level of intimacy with people, etc. In short, our work is relational, which can blur the boundaries even more for people who might already be a bit confused about how to deal with us.

Our two matriarchs have offered some good thoughts. What about the rest of you? Any advice for our colleague?

We have some more great questions lined-up in the queue. As always, if you have an issue you'd like the matriarchs to discuss, please email us at askthematriarch@gmail.com.

Wednesday Festival: Dog Days

Did you know that in the Northern Hemisphere, the Dog Days of Summer run from July 3 to August 15? In the Southern Hemisphere, you're looking at January to early March. There's your fun fact for the day! (Source: my Returned Peace Corps Volunteers calendar & Wikipedia) . Walking out my door this morning was very DOGGY in that sense. Hoping that your weather is nicer.

Over at Eternal Echoes, Sally shares how a meeting with a friend got her thinking about grace-filled listening to those with whom we don't necessarily agree. Her post specifically refers to issues of theology and practice, but I can't help thinking how important this is in many, many areas of our lives, and on many topics.

I'd like to introduce Niwaki, who will be joining the Wednesday Festival hosting rota soon! Go over and say hello.

What are YOU thinking and blogging about these days? Let us know! You can post a direct link to your blog entry in your comment using the following formulation in the comment box: <a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a> For a complete how-to,
click here.

And remember, to nominate a post (your own or someone else's) for the Wednesday Festival, simply mail to wednesdayfestival@gmail.com.

Tuesday Lectionary Leanings: "Get A Head Edition"

Readings for the coming Sunday can be found here .

(My apologies for the late posting -- my day began at 4:30 a.m. when we dropped off our kids at Detroit Metro, then continued to the VA hospital in downtown Detroit for Fellow Traveler's earlybird appointment. After we finally got home my first agenda item was a serious meeting with a pillow.)

Talk about thematic whiplash this week -- we begin with the story of a somewhat reluctant prophet -- "Hey, I'm just a small-town dresser of sycamore trees; God's really the one telling you this" -- getting a less-than-enthusiastic reception from the Powers That Be; we abruptly move into a soaring description of God's love and care for the people of God, chosen from the beginning as part of God's glorious plan for the eventual gathering up of all creation into Godsself; then we careen into the story of John the Baptist, another prophet found perplexing by someone large and in charge, who winds up losing his head -- literally -- for his dedication to God's truth.

So is being chosen by God a good thing or a bad thing? Yikes.

So how will that preach on Sunday? Or will you be preaching on other texts/themes? As always, please share your thoughts here.