Ask the Matriarch - Dealing with Bad Behavior

A lot of us don't like change. Some people will even go to great lengths to prevent it from happening, and this sometimes leads to bad behavior. What is the pastor's responsibility when confronted with such behavior? How does she lead the whole congregation and pastor to all those within it when some are behaving very badly? Our questioner this week would like to know:

I've been in my current call for 3 and a half years. Things are going well. For 99 percent of the congregation, at least. There is new energy, new visitors, people are excited about who we are and what we are about. BUT...(you knew it was coming...) there are a few people who are "poorly behaved". They don't want to see the church moving forward. This isn't about me, I know. Anyone in my position would be the focus of their ire. 

The session of the church has been good at responding to these people pastorally, but making it clear that they can either get on board and go with us where God is leading us, or not. I am thankful for the leadership of the church through this. 

My question is this--in caring for the 1%, how do I find the line between being pastoral to them and not allowing them to take all of my energy? I don't want to say "don't let the screen door hit your a$$ on the way out the door", but I'm also tired. Tired of their poor behavior. Tired of their unwillingness to engage positively. Tired of the abuse they keep trying to send my way. I can say "I know it isn't about me" all day long, but the fact remains, it is hurtful and exhausting to have people treat me so poorly. 

And, after 3.5 years of this behavior, it is apparent that this isn't an issue of "once we understand each other better, things will be okay". This is but a chapter in a long history of their poor behavior that the church has put up with because it is the Christian thing to do. 

Someone suggested I ignore them. Can I really do that to people in the congregation I've been called to serve? How does that really look? Do I walk past them and ignore them? I have told one of them that I will not read any more of his emails to me until he is willing to come in and talk to me, face to face, and apologize for the last email he sent me. (I also gave a copy of the email to the personnel committee and told them I wanted someone else to see what kind of treatment I was receiving at the hands of this particular member). 

I am certain that the congregation I serve is not the only one with a history of putting up with bad behavior in the name of Jesus. So, how have you all dealt with this? I'm trying to only control my own function, really I am. But could use any tips.

Jennifer responds:

Ugh. These soul-sapping situations. They’re awful. I think you’re doing all of the right things. Have you copied your personnel committee when you respond to the 1%? If not, I’d suggest doing that, so that the offender knows that you’re reporting their bad behavior. All that and some sincere prayer for changed hearts might help. I don’t think you can ignore folks. I do think you can tell the truth to those who will listen and ask for their prayers and actions of support.

And Sharon writes:

How wonderful that 99% of the congregation is with you and supportive of your ministry!  That is something to celebrate!

 

You have already figured out that this is normal and even to be expected at this stage of things.  You have also responded well to the crisis with good pastoral techniques, among them: expecting and requesting good behavior, offering reconciliation avenues, and being open and honest and fair about what's going on.

 

This is a crisis in the classic sense that it is both "danger" and "opportunity."  The danger is that the 1% will sap your energy and tarnish your obviously winsome leadership style.  From what I hear, they really pose no other danger to you or the church.  The opportunity is that they will either leave or get on board, and right now, you don't know which it will be.  

 

So, don't ignore them outright -- that takes too much of the wrong kind of energy, in my experience -- but don't placate them either.  Put yourself forth as totally non-anxious, incredibly attractive, and steely strong -- in other words, totally Spirit-filled and Spirit-led!  Keep on addressing their actual requests seriously and kindly, making each response shorter and even more direct each time they repeat the same old thing.  Shine light on what they are doing by being Christ-like with them and expecting ever higher standards of behavior from them.  

 

And try this:  Invite them to join in, i.e., call their bluff.  For example: Someone says to me, "The benediction should be given with the pastor raising both hands above his (sic) head!"   My response is to invite that person to come and be part of the Worship Committee where we make those kinds of plans and decisions.  (Disclaimer: The preceding example might not have been either hypothetical or more than a week old!)

 

Above all, spend your time and energy on people who are working together toward the church's shared vision.  Catch people doing good and appreciate them all over the place.  Celebrate milestones playfully and, at times, extravagantly.  And enjoy all of the very good fruit of the ministry you are planting there!  Way to go!

--

Thanks for your wise and wonderful responses, matriarchs! Many of our sisters are at the Big Event this week, and we hope and pray they are having a soul-refreshing time. But I know that many of you are still out there, and we'd love for you to join this conversation. Do you have wisdom to share with our colleague? Do you have experiences that might offer some insight? Please take a moment to share in the comments section.

Our queue is empty again, so it's a great time to send us a question to discuss! Email us at askthematriarch[at]gmail[dot]com.

-- earthchick

Wednesday Festival - One Year

Sister Kim, who blogs at Consider the Lilies, observed this week the one year anniversary of the day she made final vows in the Society of the Sacred Heart. Join the festival in the comments here or on Kim's blog with words of support or your own thoughts on special anniversaries in your ministry.

I don't know if it is everything that has happened in the course of this last year or something else, but I have to say that it feels like much more time than a year has passed since thirteen of us made final vows in Rome...But, whatever it feels like, the calendar says Yes, today is the one year anniversary! 30 January, 2011-30 January, 2012. I have reflected much today on what the "forever" of my ring means to me...and the wearing of my profession cross. And I realize yet again and also anew how deeply their significance touches my heart...that they are profoundly important symbols to me...symbols of what I want my life to say and more than say, to proclaim. I want my life to proclaim something of the fullness of Love and the complete welcome that God has for everyone. I want my life to proclaim its roots in God...roots that are woven around me as a nest that moves with me as I walk this journey with Jesus. I want my life to proclaim in my actions my own readiness to respond to the call of God... the call of God to fly--to go, to see, to touch, to smell, taste, hear, to create, to share, to walk in freedom-- the call of God to love as God loves, to listen, to live my humanity, to integrate, to teach, and to be taught by others, to go beyond; the call of God to walk, arms open wide, straight on, deeper and deeper into the Heart...with others...deeper and deeper into a more just world; deeper and deeper into a Love that challenges and draws me forth...deeper and deeper until discovery and revelation meet in the bend and become whole, one... Thank you, God, for the gift of my vocation, for the life you have given me to discover and reveal your Love, borne in the heart of Jesus.

Tuesday LEctionary LEanings -- Renewing our Strength Edition

On Eagle's Wings

 Let us open our week with prayer:

From the very first tale
told around family tables
to that last word written
in the book of time,
you tell us the story
of your love and joy.
From the foundation
laid in Eden's valleys
to the ever-open gates
of the new Jerusalem,
you build a home for
every single one of your children.
How good it is to sing your glory,
Heart of Creation!
Into the abandoned areas
of our lives, you come -
shushing the little imps
who whisper in our ears
of our failings and foolishness.
When we seem unable
to listen to your hopes for us,
you sit down at the edge of our hearts,
once again retelling the story
of your love and grace.
How good it is to sing your name,
Healer of broken lives.
When our dreams dry up
and turn to dust,
you gather them up
and shape them into
a future which surprises us.
When we would pull shut
the curtains of our compassion,
you yank them open,
so we can see those
we are called to serve.
How good it is to sing your peace,
Spirit of patience.
How good it is to sing your praises,
God in Community, Holy in One,
even as we pray as Jesus has taught us, saying,
Our Father . . .

As I opened links to prepare for TLL this week I was moved to wonder if anyone out there is doing something for the Presentation of the Lord/Candlemas this week (either on Thursday or moving it to Sunday)??  If you are, then the readings for that festival can be found here

However I am guessing that most Lectionary preachers will be working with the readings for Epiphany 5B.  Those readings can be found here.  And what does a quick glance show us this week?

• Isaiah seems the perfect passage for those who need to be renewed and lifted up.  Which one of us wouldn't like to be recipients of the blessing in the final verse here?  Or then there is a joke about how hard it is to soar like eagles when one is surrounded by....maybe we best not go there.
• Does anyone ever preach on the Psalm reading?  So often it is seen as a supporting reading only. But this one has such promise of support and protection.   There must be a sermon in there somewhere.
• Corinthians.  Paul's claims he is free to be "all things to all people".  Modern writers tell us we shouldn't do that, we should be transparently ourselves.  And yet isn't a successful politician or speaker one who can translate her/his message into language and imagery that reaches a particular audience?  Was Paul putting on a mask or translating a message?
• And then there is Mark.  Following directly on from last week's reading we have more healings.  And then we return to being renewed.  Or at least an attempt at it.  Why do I understand the feeling of going to a quiet place for renewal only to have people come find and interrupt me?????

Abandoning or leading?

Anyone Doing this?

Which way do you feel led this week?  Or are you off-lectionary and doing something else?  It is also Annual Meeting season, how does the Annual Meeting impact your worship planning for that Sunday?  All this and more in the comments!

And of course it is Super Bowl Sunday!

Monday Extra: Devotionals for Lent

Looking for a devotional for Lent? You can choose from two RevGal authors, Ruth Everhart and MaryAnn McKibben Dana. 

A Lenten Pilgrimage was written by Ruth Huizenga Everhart, a Presbyterian minister and author living in Sterling, Va., wrote these Lenten prayers and reflections following her own recent pilgrimage to Israel/Palestine.

She writes: “The gift of pilgrimage changed my faith. As a pilgrim, I felt Scripture seeping further down into my being. I came to realize that being a pilgrim is not about traveling to a particular place as much as immersing oneself in the Spirit-filled past so it can infuse our present.”

A Lenten Pilgrimage is published by the General Assembly Mission Council of the Presbyterian Church (USA). Follow the link above for order information, including discounts for multiple copies.

Fellowship of Prayer 2012 Lenten Season comes from Chalice Press. With daily readings, meditations, and prayers, Fellowship of Prayer is the perfect seasonal devotion for this holy time of year. Author MaryAnn McKibben Dana is the pastor of Idylwood Presbyterian Church in Falls Church, Va. Her book on her family’s experience of taking a Sabbath day each week for a year will be published in 2012. It is also available in e-PDF format.

Ruth and MaryAnn are both also part of the Writing Revs, a writing group whose members have included Carol Howard Merritt and Jan Edmiston. What a powerhouse group, and such a great support to one another.  

We're proud of all the authors in our webring. If you have a book or devotional coming out, or want us to link to an article, let us know by emailing RevGalBlogPals!

Sunday Prayer: Epiphany 4B

Praise God, give thanks to God with your whole heart!
Great is God's mercy, justice, and faithfulness,
now, and, for ever.

Oh God, help us to be mindful of others that we may
tend to those who are hungry with food and
those who are thirsty may have water.
Use us, Oh God, to help build up the body
of Christ, to be nourishment and
a compassionate hand to those in need.

Holy Divine One, be with those tonight who weep,
those who suffer in mind, body, or spirit,
bring them comfort, as only you can.
Bring them your peace. Turn their despair
into a glimmer of hope, a hope for hope.
In your mercy, tend to those who weep.

God of justice, guide the leaders of this
and every land to the ways of compassion,
dignity of others, and just societies.
Instill in them courage and wisdom
strength to do the right thing
courage to face into the bitterness of greed
and turn their fear or apathy or selfishness
into kindness.

God, Holy One, lead us. Today and always
into the fullness of your desire, into
the depth of grace, into the strong arms
of your mercy. Teach us to be your people.
Teach us to follow you. Teach us to be your
hands, your heart, your love, your compassion,
your mercy, in all we say and do.
Amen.

11th Hour Preacher Party: Y'all Come!

It's what I always loved hearing when I lived in the south. "Y'all come!" It somehow meant that at the same time the party could have a lot of people, but I'd feel like a special part of it.

I imagine our party today will be an intimate one. Everyone will have a place at the table. Y'all come! Pull up a comfy chair and warm yourself up with a cup of joe.

A number of our regulars will boarding the Big Event 5.0 ship this afternoon while the faithful remnant are left behind preparing sermons. OK. Kidding. Mostly. Our prayers are most definitely with them all as they push off to enjoy the fellowship of the community we build here "virtually" day after day, week after week, or maybe even less regularly.

In fact, if you are a newcomer or "lurker" who hasn't posted much before if at all, I invite you to join us this week out loud. It's likely to be a slower paced party which means we get to spend more time with each other's thoughts, struggles, AND celebrations.

I ask your forgiveness for what will be my absence early (by US standards) in the day. An early morning meeting a couple of hour away snuck up on my calendar early this week. I'll be gone until mid-to-late afternoon, but I know there are plenty of friendly folks around to keep things going in my absense. I'm looking forward to joining back in later in the day. May the Spirit bless your preparation and ministry this day!

Odds and ends Friday Five...

I have had a ridiculously busy week so apologies for the fact that this is rushed and even a bit late, but here goes, even in the busyness of the week what has

1. Inspired you
2. Challenged you
3. Made you smile
4. Made you cross/ made you want to weep
5.Kept you going?


As always, let us know in comments if you play. Even better, get in the habit of posting a direct link to your blog entry in your comment, using the following formulation:
<a href="the url of your blog post goes here">what you want the link to say goes here</a>
For a complete how-to, click here.

Ask the Matriarch - Product Parties

Our question this week is an interesting and tricky one, and one I'm betting many of us have had to deal with. As far as I know, our male counterparts don't typically encounter this particular issue, and it's not something I ever learned about navigating in seminary!

Since I've been at my first call, I've gotten several invitations to home parties - the ones where someone is selling jewelry, home decor items, kitchen stuff. Before I became a pastor, I normally only went to the parties if it was for a really good friend, or I liked the brand. Personally, I find much of the stuff to be overpriced and I don't like feeling like I have to buy something that I really don't need or want.


As a pastor, I'm concerned that if I attend someone's party but not someone else's, it will offend the one whose party I don't attend. And I would feel like I had to buy something to be nice.


Is it part of my pastoral function to attend all these home parties? How do other revgals handle the invitations?


kathrynzj writes:
GREAT question!

When I was in a church of 150 members, I went to them, but I would not change plans in order to go. And yes, I came and went without buying anything. Now I am in a larger congregation and I go to none. If I actually want something (I like a certain brand's bread mix) - I get it from a non-church going friend.

And I know you didn't ask, but in a similar vein - kids selling stuff? At the smaller church I bought one something from each of them who asked me (if their parents brought it to me I told them gently to have the child ask me themselves). In the larger church I buy nothing from anyone nor does my kid solicit at church. The bill would just add up to too much.

Good luck!

Muthah+ responds:

This is one of those barrier-straddling things of parish ministry that is difficult.  Used to be that if you could buy locally as a pastor you did.  You bought your car from the car dealer in the parish, your medical care was often a doctor or dentist in the congregation, your insurance was carried by a local agent.  Many of your needs were provided by in-kind donations from the community you served from eggs to carpeting.  And in the good ole days the young curates were paired up with local daughters and they lived happily ever after.  (yeah, right!)

 

The Baby Boom changed all that.  Everyone after the 1960's caught the entrepreneurial bug and economics became the name of the game, not the commonweal.  Here endeth the history lesson.

 

Personally I hate those kinds of parties. And I know that many of those parties come from the party giver's need to sell.   However, I do not need to buy.  When someone invites you, you can explain quietly to the hostess that you do get invited to many of these kinds of parties and you cannot buy from them all.  If they want you there because you are a friend, go and do not feel obligated to buy.  Most of them will understand.  If they don't, then you don't want to give your imprimatur to their parties. 

And Sharon offers:

I served in one very rural ministry context and those parties were a big part of the social life of the congregation and the community. In that place, I went to all the ones to which I was invited. I could always find a little something that I could save for a family Christmas gift. Looking back, that was the right decision to make there.

In the other churches, I have just thanked each person for the invitation and declined each one. I do regularly buy a category of things that are offered at those kinds of parties. I get those things now from someone who is not connected to my church. If I lived closed to my relatives or to my friends not related to the church I serve, I would be fine with picking and choosing some of their parties to attend.

Whether it's about these kinds of parties or the stuff that kids sell for school and clubs, the important thing is to think through your reasons for doing what you will do, or won't do. Then respond consistently with all the members of your congregation.

My experience is that your church people will understand your decision to not attend their party or to not buy their kids' stuff. They will not as easily understand your decision to say "yes" to some and "no" to others.

--

Great responses, matriarchs. Thank you!! What about the rest of you? What are your words of wisdom? Please share in the comments section. And as always, if you have a question you'd like the matriarchs to discuss, please send it to us at askthematriarch[at]gmail[dot]com.

-earthchick

 

Wednesday Festival: An Answered Prayer

Kathryn's feet (r) in Cozumel, 2008, BE 1. Also one of Martha's.

This week's post comes from one of our founding ring member's, Kathryn, an Anglican vicar who blogs at Good in Parts. Those of us who've had the chance to meet Kathryn, who was with us on BE 1, will surely hear this in her lovely voice, as she brings us a redemptive word. Please leave her *your* lovely comments here or at her blog.

An answered prayer

"Lord, redeem my foul-ups" is often a good prayer to have on your lips...and two weeks ago, when it seemed to me that said foul-ups were reaching hitherto undreamed of depths, I prayed it alot..and then some more!
You know that a week is going badly when the funeral for a still-born babe is not the hardest thing you have to cope with...but why I'm blogging now is because, most wonderfully, my fervent prayer was actually answered.




You see, two weeks ago I discovered that I had been living inside my very own version of the Christmas edition of Rev.
In case you managed to miss this (honestly - the series is far too searingly close to the reality of clerical life to count as comedy - it's far closer to documentary, imho) , poor, wonderfully human Adam gets so seasonally harassed that he fails to visit an elderly parishioner - until it's too late.
In the week before Christmas I received a similar request - from someone who spends most of his life on the edge of society, having been homeless for a long time, and with most of the associated problems.
And being over busy, and rather nervous of the prospect of visiting a somewhat volatile guy and his housemate on their home turf, I tried to phone once, failed to get through, and moved on to the next item on the "seasonal busyness" list.




And, just as happened to Adam, I was shown the flaw in my prioritising when a very angry visitor at the vicarage informed me that his housemate was dead - and what sort of a sorry apology for a priest did I call myself anyway!
And of course he was right.
Fear prevented me from doing the right thing.
I took refuge in doing other things and let my needs trump those of the people I am here to serve.
So, I felt pretty wretched.




But the following day I was given another opportunity to respond - and got to a bedside in time.
And then, wonderfully, against all expectations, I found myself trusted to take J's funeral.


It happened yesterday.
Just a small gathering in church...a  handful of volunteers and clients of our local homeless project; a community police officer; a wonderfully warm and gentle funeral director; and a sober and dignified friend.
The flower printed cardboard coffin which had seemed (if I'm honest) just a wee bit naff in the catalogue was reassuringly, delightfully homely and beautiful in reality. You could imagine it sitting comfortably in an ordinary room...not claiming false dignity or pomp...
"I'm here..part of life's reality you know...And it can be surprisingly beautiful".
I found myself touching it and interacting with it in ways that I rarely do with those highly polished coffins that seem to be set on hiding the truth of the death that lies within.
Somehow the beautiful fragility of the coffin, that mirrored the fragility of the life that had ended - a life of hardship, alienation, struggle and, I believe, acceptance.


J had loved flowers - and the church was still beautiful with the flowers left from a far grander funeral last week, which made me smile.
I wept too, as J's best friend read some wonderful words that J himself had written reflecting on his life, his future and his hopes.
A member of the "Marah" family talked of his memories and read to us from The Message
We sang and we prayed and we sat in silence.
Some of the language I use for more conventional funerals just didn't find a place...but the right words came from somewhere. 
And then we followed J across town to the beautiful hillside cemetery and it was somehow incredibly right to be there, to take it in turns to throw handfuls of rich dark earth onto the coffin, to listen as S told us more about his friend, to delight as the sun broke through the clouds and the birds began to sing, a fragile chorus that promised spring to come.




We left S settling down with a drink in the sun...I pray that he'll be alright in the days ahead. Yesterday, we stood on holy ground together.

Tuesday Lectionary Leanings -- Who has Authority? Edition

Agnus Day

Greetings to all!  Another Sunday cometh, and for those of us who are not going cruising that means another sermon is due in a few days.  The readings for Epiphany 4B can be found here.

It always seems to me that the best worship preparation is begun with prayer {prayer source}:

O God,

we puff ourselves up with accumulated knowledge,

but without love for you we have no wisdom.

We take advantage of the liberty you give us through grace,

and become bad examples to our sisters and brothers.

We alternate between fear of your authority

and denial of your authority.

We dread to face our demons,

and we are faithless in the presence of your power over them.

Save us Lord from the sins we know,

save us Lord from the sins we hide.

(pause for reflection and self-examination) 

Our Lord Jesus Christ, the son of God, has come into our world with authority. The authority to destroy the demons that haunt us: our past, or weakness, our sin, our grief, our loss, our frailty, our mortal nature. Through Christ’s faithfulness our loving God grants us the forgiveness of all our sins and the promise of eternal life. Through faith offered by the Holy Spirit we may count on God’s intervening power, and live redeemed lives in the name of the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit.

Amen. 

 A lot about authority this week.  Where does authority come from?  Who has it?  How do we respond?  Oh and along the way, what makes a true prophet?

Are you drawn to the Jewish longing for a prophet like Moses? Or maybe there are a few "prophets" you would like to experience the promise at the end of the Deuteronomy reading (yes, wishing such a thing is not "proper" but if we are honest...).

Jesus Teaching in the Temple

Or maybe you find yourself drawn to Paul and meat.  And it is a puzzling question about how we interact with the culture around us.  What would you say are the equivalent issues in our world today?  How would you respond if you were asked the same question?

And then we have Jesus, and the authority issue.  Not like the scribes.  And even the unclean spirits listen to him.  What sort of authority is this?  Something new is happening?

Where is worship taking you this week?  Is there an article or blog post that you want to share with the rest of us?  Maybe you aren't preaching but have a great thought about what you would do "if only".  Share in the comments so we can all learn together...

RevGalBookPals: Writing to God -- Kid's Edition

Do you have a young person in your family or faith community who asks you, "How do I pray?" Ring member Rachel Hackenberg's wonderful new book, Writing to God -- Kids' Edition, is a great resource for exploring prayer at a late-elementary to middle-school level.

Rachel is also the author of Writing to God: 40 Days of Praying with My Pen, a guide to praying during Lent.

In the Kids' Edition, Rachel brings creative suggestions and guidance for writing prayers to a kid's level. She explores ways to pray by writing about six Ideas: things you experience with all five senses, by writing about your feelings, Bible verses, nature, ordinary things that happen in life, trying new words and pictures for God and telling God thank you. She explores each Idea with a variety of possibilities for exploration, including sample prayers, and the book will include open space to be used for writing prayers.

The book begins conversationally:

Hi! My name is Rachel.

            When I was a girl, I wasn’t sure how to pray. Should I use fancy church words? Should I put my hands together and close my eyes? (Closing my eyes usually put me to sleep.) Should I pray for the whole entire world? And how could I pray for the whole entire world if I didn’t know the name of every person . . . or the name of every place and every plant and every animal?

Her voice in writing for children is very natural and invitational. She assures children that you can pray, or write prayers, wherever you are.

Here's a sample from the section on praying with your sense of smell:

These are some of the things that I am thankful for smelling, God:

chocolate cookies baking in the oven

a hamster cage that needs to be cleaned

the kind-of-good, kind-of-stinky smell of mud after rain

smoke from a campfire

This list doesn’t look like a prayer, but I thank God for the sense of smell to experience the odors of life!

Here's another, from the section on Bible verses:

John 11:35 is one of the shortest verses in the Bible. It just says, “Jesus cried.” Have you ever thought about Jesus crying? In John 11:35, Jesus cries because his friend Lazarus has died, and he cries because he’s sad to see Mary and Martha crying. God gets sad when people are hurting or crying . . . and God hears us when we’re sad. Write to God about crying.

I don’t often cry in front of other people. One day I wrote this prayer after I closed my bedroom door:

Jesus, do you hear me crying

when I hide my tears in the pillow?

Elene (age 5) prays:

Dear God, You know how I almost fell off my bike the other day? Remember when I was riding home from Chris’s house? It was getting dark

so I rode my bike very fast to get home. Did you know how scared

I was? Really scared! So scared I was crying. Love, Elene

The sample prayers from children are great, although Rachel's prayers are also at a great level for encouraging kids to write their own.

Because the book is still in the pre-order phase, I have only seen illustrations for the introduction. They show children of a variety of cultural backgrounds and ages, as well as common images from a child's life, and appear to be very accessible. I can't wait to see the actual book! Rachel says, "The official release date for the book is in March, but in fact Paraclete Press hopes to have the finished product in-hand by the end of January so that it can be in bookstores and online in time for Lent."


(Paraclete Press and Rachel Hackenberg provided RevGalBlogPals with a manuscript and PDF of this soon-to-be-published book for purposes of review. There was no promise of a particular outcome!)