Ask the Matriarch - Confidentiality in a Multi-Staff Church

Here's an interesting question from a colleague who serves as the head of a small staff, trying to discern how to handle confidentiality within the staff.


Dear Matriarchs,

I am a 50-something rector of a four-point mostly rural parish. This is my first parish - second career. I've been the only clergy (and the first woman) for five years. This year we happily received an assistant priest, an earnest and compassionate young man half my age. He and I are 6 months into a team ministry and doing fine together. It's great to have help, I love teaching, and he seems genuinely pleased with the arrangement . But I need advice about how to handle confidentiality. "What is said to one is said to both" might head off end-runs and triangulation. On the other hand, there are things I have not shared with him about some folks, to let him do his own discerning without my biases. Might there be situations where it would be faithful for him to receive confidences which he would not share with me?

Added twist: the people who could not receive a woman priest left years ago. The parish is growing a tiny bit, and I've had no further gender-based problems. But there are indications that some folks are pretty happy to have a man with a collar around again, and assume that he will naturally become "the primary priest."
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Jennifer responds:
I believe there might be occasions that either one of you would be asked to keep a confidence from the other or feel it would be right. Being candid about the reasons that confidences are kept is, in my opinion, the best way to be as transparent and open as possible with each other while still maintaining high professional standards.


Ruth, who blogs at Sunday's Coming, writes:
My gut feeling is that you need to give people the chance to say things to one of you & know it stops there. If there are things that you feel it would be useful for you both to know, perhaps you need to check with the person ‘is it OK if I tell my colleague?’ or even ‘would you like him to know too?’ - then your folk are clear that you are a team but that confidences can still be kept.

There may be gender issues – both ways: I’m sure you’ve had times when people have said things to you which you feel they would not have said to a man, and I’m sure you’re right in feeling that for some people your colleague will feel like ‘the priest’. As you have already said that you work well together I’m sure you can both have the grace to take the lead when it’s appropriate & step back when the other is the lead person.

But I know that sometimes it’s hard to challenge the ‘natural order’ in which one person has to be boss! I pray you will both live the gospel – God bless.


And mompriest offers:

First, since you are the Rector, and he is the assistant, it is never appropriate for him to receive information and not share it with you. He runs the risk of triangulation if he with holds information or carries information that should be shared with you. At the very least he needs to encourage people to take any concerns that fall under your purview to you, and/or he needs to say, "let me discuss this with the Rector and get back to you." You need to be a team, but also everyone needs to know that ultimately you are the boss. This is, after all, a hierarchical church structure. You can function like a collegial team and share in many of the same duties and responsibilities, but when push comes to shove you are the "boss" and people need to know that. And for you to do your job well you need to know what is going on on all levels. Besides it is just common respect that he would share information with you so that you are never surprised by what comes your way. However, because you are the Rector you will naturally know things that he will not, should not, need not.

Secondly, whenever a female and male clergy team work together people do tend to navigate to the male as if he is more in charge. We live in a world where male voices just carry more authority than female. sigh...You and this assistant need to acknowledge this social norm and actively work together to let folks know that you are the Rector and he is the assistant. It will really require his cooperation and understanding for he is the one who will need to remind people that the Rector's input is needed for decisions and actions. It also helps if you have titles that keep it clear who is the Rector. Using Fr. and Mother is not my favorite choice in this matter. Sr. Pastor and Pastor is better (I've known Lutheran Churches who use that title). Of course, since he's been there 6 months, you probably are set in your titles. If the boundaries are clear and respected then you will work together with much greater mutuality and collegiality, a real team.

I hope this continues to be a fruitful and wonderful experience for all concerned, even if it will need to be done more intentionally.
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I love it that our Matriarchs offered somewhat different answers from each other this week. This is obviously not a cut-and-dried issue, and perhaps there are many approaches that could be ethical and healthy. What do the rest of you think?

My husband and I serve together as co-pastors and we have had to wrestle with this one over the years. After nine years, we are still working out our approach to confidentiality! Neither one of us is the "boss." There are some things both of us do need to know, and other things - not so much. So we tend to take things on a case-by-case basis. Individual parishioners seeking pastoral counseling can generally assume confidentiality. Our exceptions have been if a parishioner says inappropriate things to one of us (along the lines of confessing a crush, or saying things that indicate such feelings, for instance), or if one of us is feeling unsafe for some reason (for instance if one of us has been meeting with a couple having marital problems and we feel the situation is volatile). Otherwise, if we feel it would be good for the other pastor to know something confidential, we will generally ask permission from individuals to share what they've shared - they almost always have agreed. It's still tricky, though, and something we continue to hammer out.

Let's hear from the rest of you. What is your experience? What are your opinions? Please share!

And, as always, please send questions for the Matriarchs to discuss to askthematriarch@gmail.com.

- earthchick