Ask the Matriarch - Premarital Counseling

Our question this week is one that I feel I could've asked myself, even after many years of performing weddings. Our matriarchs step in with some really thoughtful (and varied!) responses. Read on:

My question today is about wedding preparation.  One year and 5 weddings into my first solo appointment, I feel ill-prepared to do basic premarital counseling.  The couples I've worked with so far have ranged from starry-eyed college students who probably didn't hear a word I said, to an older (60s) couple who told me the first time we met that they had been around long enough to know what they were doing and they pretty much just wanted my signature on the marriage license to make it official.  I have fumbled my way through some sort of conversation about communication skills and conflict resolution with each couple, but really - it feels halting and awkward.  I'm guessing it wasn't much help to them either.

The previous pastor required a lengthy series of counseling sessions (6-8, I believe) before agreeing to do a wedding.  My practice so far has been 3 one-hour meetings, and I've loosely used the Prepare/Enrich materials (for which I have completed some basic training).  But our conversation usually falls flat, and I've come to dread these meetings more than just about anything else on my schedule.

I recall an earlier response where someone mentioned using the ceremony planning itself as a way of doing premarital counseling.  I'd love to hear more about what you do in that time!  Any other books or resources that have been helpful?  What should the goal be, really, of this time together? Thanks for your insights!


Muthah+ responds:

If there was one thing I hated about being a parish pastor/priest it was pre-marital counseling.  I always felt totally unprepared as I was unmarried.  But I finally began to invite people to discuss how they ritualized things in their families of origin--b'thdays, anniversaries, death, new borns, Christmas, etc.  I was able to see how their families did things -- and consequently began them talking to each other about how they wanted to ritualize momentous times in their lives.  Then I would ask how THEY wanted to celebrate their love for one another.  I generally talked about marriage isn't just for them--it is for the whole community. 

I generally would require that that they be in attendance at a church for the time before the wedding.  If they were in town, I would ask them to be a part of  our worshipping community.  I asked for 3 sessions and more if they wanted to plan, discuss what marriage was about.  I made it clear that I was not passing judgement on their relationship or telling them whether they could be married or not.  But I did need to asscertain whether I wanted to conduct the ceremony or not.

I had one bride come with her mother to the first meeting when I had made it clear that it was to be the bride and groom.  That was one marriage I didn't do.  If a couple is not willing to be forthcoming about their relationship, I would suggest that they find someplace else to get married. They ultimately will be happier.  I don't know if your polity supports that but mine did.  We are not there to be a wind-up toy so that it will be a pretty ceremony.  We are there because we are trying to say that their love comes from God and marriage goes much farther than just them.  I don't believe that the Church needs to be used by those who do not understand the place of faith in their marriage.  They will be happier with a justice of the peace.

I have found that it is through preparation for marriage that some couples find a place for themselves in the community of faith.  And it is in that community of faith that they will want to bring up their children.

Kzj offers:

First a disclaimer, my response does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the denomination I am affiliated with.

You asked what the goal should be? My goals are to a) fulfill the requirement that says I have to meet with them and b) find out any kind of information I can to personalize the wedding meditation even just a little bit.

I don't use any of the materials that are out there and admittedly stopped looking for stuff that does it well. If the questionnaire assumes the couple isn't living together, really how helpful can it be? I do use going over the service as a way to break the ice and I have a few basic go-to questions: Growing up, how did your family argue? How do you handle the bills? Is that working for you? Who's the spender in the relationship? What are your long term goals?

At our first meeting I hand them each a worksheet that they are to fill out on behalf of the other one. The categories include: friends, rivals/competitors, recent important events. upcoming events, current stresses, current worries, hopes/aspirations. They are not supposed to share their answers before I see them, I use the answers on the worksheets for our second conversation. After that I decide if a 3rd one is really necessary or not. I also remind them that I am here for them after the wedding whether it be 1 week, 1 year, 5 years, etc...

Terri writes:

Premarital counseling is one of my favorite responsibilities as a parish priest. I think it comes from having had a powerful experience as a couple when my husband and I were preparing to we'd twenty six years ago. The minister who married us did almost six months of counseling sessions and, although she was a UCC minster she pointed us to the Episcopal Church, which has been a good fit for my husband and I.

I also worked as a seminary intern for a church that had many weddings, so many that twice a year we held premarital weekend retreats with eight or ten couples each session. So, going into leading these sessions I come with some experience and ideas from a number of sources.

These days I typically meet 4- 6 times with each couple, depending on their age, their relationship experience, how long they have known each other, kids, blended family dynamic, interfaith, etc. The more complicated the more we meet.

I meet with each couple once just to get a feel for who they are, what they are looking for, and to lay out how we will work together. I require each couple to acquire one or two copies of The Marriage Journey. I ask that they read it through before we begin our formal sessions and pay attention to areas that they want to talk about. Then, regardless of what they may eventually decide I always talk about "Fair Fighting" - focusing on communication styles, listening, healthy argument (focus on issue not person, use "I" language not "You" a "I need" "I feel," " I think." We also always talk about money. Otherwise everything is optional.

In our first introductory meeting, after I have laid out now we will work: get the book and read it, meet 4-6 times to discuss, and a final session to plan the service; I give them another homework assignment (in addition to reading the book and thinking about what they want to discuss), I ask them to come to the next session with a collage of their marriage. The collage can be on any size paper (within reason), and they can use any medium for their images: photos, drawings, etc. The theme is how they see their marriage, their married life together, their hopes and dreams, and anticipations for a life together. They have to work on the collage together, it's a mutual project.

Every one, even if they are hesitant at first, ends up loving the collage idea.

In our second session I tape the collage up where we can all see it and ask them to talk about it: how did they decide who would do what? And, who did what parts? I ask as many questions about their process in creating this as I can think of. The entire point is to see how they work together, as well as what their vision is, and where their values are. Afterward I suggest they save the collage and look at it from time to time. Some even think they may add to it as the years go by.

Our next two or three sessions focus on the  book and the chapters they choose, as well as the ones I always focus on. At the end of each chapter are some wonderful questions for discussion- which really help to guide the conversation.

Our last session is focused on planning the service. Then we have the rehearsal and the wedding.

This structure has always served me well and the couples I have worked with feel as if they have had some important conversations about who they are as individuals and as a couple.

In suspect that once you find a structure that works for you in preparing couples, you will enjoy the process more. I hope we are able to give you some useful ideas for how you can create that structure.

Blessings to you!

And Sharon offers:

I have strongly questioned every aspect of my role and responsibilities as wedding officiant. More and more, I have the feeling that the wedding couple seeks my services so that I can fill an essential slot in their wedding tableau rather than as a trusted resource and spiritual guide.  So, I do put that out on the table at the first meeting: "Why are you here at church talking to me a pastor?  What do you expect from me?"  I am no longer as shy as I once was about shining the light on any low expectations of wedding prep time.

I, too, use Prepare/Enrich and find it to be very flexible. I like that couples are expected to invest $35 (or less for online assessment) in marriage preparation. It's precious little, really!  I require at least six meetings with me, and we don't  plan the wedding service itself until the last one or two sessions.  I always get the governing board of the church to include my requirements in the wedding policy.  I'm not inflexible, though, and I do vary what we do.  For example, I've discovered that Prepare/Enrich requires a certain literacy level that doesn't work for some people, so I go through the things in my own way with those couples.

Please don't give up on couples who seem to be too starry-eyed or too mature for such things!  It always seems that it's the strongest couples who discover something that has been unsaid or unexplored, and they are so grateful to have done that with me.  Other couples -- it's true -- just go through the motions.  I always reassure couples that I am not looking to dig up their dirt or to talk them out of what they already have decided to do.  

The main goal is to celebrate the strengths of their relationship and to identify growth areas now so that they can begin to come together over those. A secondary goal for me is that I want to actually know the couple I am standing before on their wedding day.  Your approach will reflect your own convictions, personality, setting, and what seems to work for you over time.  

And if you discover that it's just not your thing to meet with these couples, I do know pastors who still require the prep, but they delegate it out to other professionals.

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Wow! These are some fantastic responses! I personally have found them helpful, and I hope our questioner has as well. What about the rest of you? Do you have some thoughts to offer on this topic? Please share in the comments section. And, as always, if you have a question you'd like the matriarchs to discuss, please email us at askthematriarch[at]gmail[dot]com.

-- earthchick