Ask the Matriarch - When the Pastor Gets Sick

I think that most of us know that we are not indispensable when it comes to our parishes, but we do carry the bulk of the responsibility for Sunday morning worship.  Our question today has to do with the challenge of being physically sick and unable to carry out Sunday and other responsibilities.

A situation I encountered this week raised a question for me, and I'm curious how others handle it.  I have been sick a lot this season - more than usual.  I suspect it is a combination of (1) my young children in preschool for the first time, (2) lost sleep due to children's illnesses, and (3) some other added sources of stress in my personal life.  It hasn't been the easiest year for us on a lot of levels.

Here's what the last few months have looked like:  In November, I had a bad respiratory illness and lost my voice - almost completely - for two weeks.  I continued to work through that, and prepared services ahead of time, but I had to rely on others to lead.  I also had to have a colleague officiate at two funerals.  I was present at both but had no voice.  Then during Advent I had a sinus infection, skipped some meetings but didn't miss any Sundays.  In January I had a one-week scheduled vacation that included one Sunday morning.  In February, I had strep throat, left a couple meetings early but again didn't miss any Sundays.  Now the first Sunday of March I am sick again, this time with stomach flu.  On Friday night it is still raging, so I called a retired pastor friend, who agreed to lead services on Sunday.  I'm feeling a bit better on Saturday, but he says to just stay home and rest anyway.

I feel guilty for staying home, even though I know my colleague and mentor will handle things well on Sunday.  I hear other pastors say they "never miss a Sunday, no matter what."  I know many pastors continue to lead worship when they are sick - or after family emergencies - or other things.  It seems like my worship leader is sick and tired of my weekend calls saying I'm not feeling well, and every time I turn around someone in the congregation is saying, "You're sick again?" with a bit of a raised eyebrow.  Of course, I suspect some of that is more imagined than real.  :)  But it is still how I feel right now.  

So how do you decide when to stay home and when to make it work?  Is it better to call on Friday and give someone a day's notice (not knowing if I'll be feeling better by Sunday or not), or wait it out hoping I'll be better and then have to call someone on really short notice on Saturday night if I'm not?  Who do you call on if you can't lead - lay people, other clergy?

From Jennifer, who blogs at An Orientation of Heart

I think it often makes sense to bring others in your congregation into your response to a pastoral dilemma like the one you’re facing.

Illness is making it hard for you to attend to the needs of the congregation—to do your job.  In another setting, you might have an HR department, a principal, or a supervisor, and the setting would likely have a sick leave or personal leave policy. Does the congregation you serve have a personnel committee or something similar? I’d talk to that group, when well, and lay out the problem just as you have with us.

What would they suggest? How would they like you to handle an illness in your life or in your family’s life?

Try to come to a good decision with them, and make sure that they help you interpret what you and they expect. Through the grapevine as well as through the church newsletter or whatever communication tool you have, you can share accurate information and expectations and not leave things up to those who would raise their eyebrows.   It’s a good way for your congregation to acknowledge your needs, their own, and what you, together, think is the best response.

From Muthah+, who blogs at  Stone of Witness

Dear Sick Sistah,

One of the things that popular religion does to us is make us feel guilty about being sick.  You are ill because you have bugs in your system and you aren't giving yourself the time and the rest you need to allow your body to fend off those little bugs.  I am sure your doctor would say the same thing and maybe give you an excuse to take to your council.  BUT that isn't the issue here.  You are experiencing your ministry like a job rather than building Christian community and most likely your congregation is experiencing your ministry as a job too.

First of all, perhaps you need to see the ministry of Jesus Christ is something you participate IN rather than DO.  It helped me when I had to be out of my congregation due to illness for 2 months.  Others came and contributed to the ministry that is the work of all the people in the community.  Those meetings can pretty well run without you giving germs to others by your presence.  

For a preacher to be without a voice is a sure sign (I think) that it is time to listen, and take that time to rest, pray and listen.  There is a reason we get sick and sometimes it is God's time to have us be present to the Holy in our illness.  Then we can go back refreshed and healed and ready to be the pastor we need to be.

Check also with your doctor to find some ways to boost your immune system.  

And from Sue, who blogs at  Inner Dorothy

First, I'm so sorry that you've had such a bad time in recent months. Ministry takes so much energy, both internally and externally, that being sick in the midst of it all is so very difficult. I do hope that this run of illnesses eases up for you soon.

I can certainly understand your dilemma.

In October I had a concussion which the doctors at the ER, plus one neurologist, plus my family doctor all deemed to be "serious." In other words, it was considerably more than a little bump on my head. When the injury happened, the first ER doctor insisted on 5 days off work "to begin with" and asked me to return to the ER on that 5th day. I also had instructions to do NOTHING during those 5 days. No brain stimulation whatsoever. No reading, no driving, no tv, no music....nothing. The only way the brain heals is to rest.

The accident happened late on a Saturday. My husband called our church secretary (who goes to worship every week and sits on the Worship Committee) first thing Sunday morning to say that I would be not be able to be at church. She came to pick up my sermon, prayers and children's story. When she got to the church, she found the Worship Chair and as many Board members as she could find. They divided up the different parts of the service and everything went very well.

All that was fine with the Ministry & Personnel Chair. I spoke with her briefly that afternoon and said I had the doc's note saying 5 days off.

When I went back on Day 5, a different doc ordered an MRI to make sure I had no bleed. My symptoms (nausea, memory loss, spatial dissociation, headache....) had become considerably worse so the doc brought in the neurologist. They agreed on 7 more days off work, then a consult with my family doc.

When I called the M&P chair to let her know about the extra 7 days I would be off work (which would include another Sunday), let's just say she was less than impressed. The following week, my family doc did not think I was ready to return to work. I told him that I had enough overtime accrued that I would try working only mornings for a few weeks if he would just let me go back.

I only did this because I was intimidated by my M&P chair. I felt so weak and my head felt so foggy that I simply could not handle dealing with her again. I now know why hockey players are out for months at a time because of concussions. After almost 6 months, I still have a constant ringing in my left ear.

All of that is to say - Don't Do What I Did!!! I let myself be bullied by that woman. I should have been home in bed when I was sitting at my desk waiting for the room to stop swaying.  If I had it to do over, I would have taken my family doctor's advice and stayed home for two more weeks to allow my brain to heal.

As a chronic migraine sufferer, there have been other occasions when I was unable to be in worship. I have put other options in place. While we have several retired clergy in our congregation, they are not necessarily the ones I call upon. On the days when my head pain is at its worst, I really cannot function - so the "Just In Case" protocol goes into place. If I haven't had the ability to write a sermon prior to the migraine kicking in, that becomes an issue, but otherwise it all works because we have such strong lay leadership.

One woman will take the children's story on a moment's notice - literally. If necessary, she will dig into her "church bag" and step in for me. A gentleman in the church is always on hand to do the welcome and announcements as needed. Another will always lead the Prayers of the People. So, I've put in place a situation where I've got a "team" of people that will pick up parts of the service. For the sermon time, the congregation has found various ways to be creative. One day they had a Q&A session with the Presbytery reps about the latest Presbytery news. Another time, in the spring, they opened up the microphone and shared memories from church camp!

If you have a team of willing leaders in your congregation, it might ease your mind regarding missing Sundays. If they only have to be "at the ready" for one or two parts of a service, it might ease any anxiety they may otherwise have about taking the whole service. My children's story helper is a retired teacher, so it's nothing for her to come up with a story on short notice. The others have become comfortable with their tasks over time. I wonder if you could sit down with your Board/Council and explain what you have explained for us, and then ask if you might be able to train volunteers to do various parts of the service on those days when you are unavailable. That way, no one individual is responsible for the whole service, and the congregation is responding appropriately to the ministry of the whole people of God!

Again, I really hope that you feel better soon. It's so difficult to feel unwell AND guilty!


ps - I had an emergency appendectomy on Palm Sunday the second year I was at my present charge. Ya. Timing is not my greatest gift! Holy Week and Easter still happened. The tomb was still found empty. I missed it all, but it happened. We all do the best we can do. That is all that God asks of us - not perfection, not perfect health - just faith. Have a blessed Easter.

Now it's your turn...what advice would you share with our "sick sistah"?  Please use the Post a Comment function to join in the conversation.

May you live in God's amazing grace+

revhoney