We have a question this week:
We have a member who has drifted away from church. She was formerly very involved with extra things besides worship, including teaching classes and other special events. I have reached out to her and there is no crisis, she is just out of the habit and not in the mood. Of course, other people leave the church but this one feels especially sad for some reason. We make a biggish deal about welcoming new members, but do less well at sending them off. Does anyone have a process and/or liturgy that you like for letting go in a situation like this?
...but we have no responses, or no responses that I can retrieve from the computer graciously made available in the Public Library, upon whom be blessings. If you have sent us wonderfully profound and eloquent responses, please forgive me!
So what are your thoughts on this question? Leave-taking processes and leave-taking liturgies. It occurs to me that leave-taking when it means a geographical move is relatively simple; but what other kinds of "going away parties" might be appropriate? And if not public recognitions and rites -- what kind of personal responses have you experienced or tried?
Interesting questions continue to come in -- and we thank you! Looking forward to your comments on this one -- and further questions as well...send them along to askthematriarch[at]gmail[dot]com. Peace be upon you! and my blessings to earthchick for getting the question out while I was
--Crimson Rambler.
We have, on occasion, done a Sending Prayer of Farewell and Blessing at Sunday Eucharist for those who were leaving, if they were amenable to it. I've talked a lot about "good goodbyes" and I encourage people to do stuff like this. At the very least, if they are willing, I ask them to write a goodbye letter to the parish. Sometimes this is because folks are moving away after retirement, recently it was because a man whose wife is of another denomination is slowly dying and he wants to go to her church with her for the time they have left together. Of course, the likelihood that folks who leave because they are unhappy or dissatisfied would participate in these ways is slim...
ReplyDeleteA sending prayer is good...and you are right that the dissatisfied are unlikely to participate -- and that may or may not be a blessing. If they were to participate it would at least offer those who remain the chance to "see oorsel's as ithers see us"...
DeleteA sending prayer is good...and you are right that the dissatisfied are unlikely to participate -- and that may or may not be a blessing. If they were to participate it would at least offer those who remain the chance to "see oorsel's as ithers see us"...
DeleteA gesture of "good goodbye" does allow people to acknowledge difficult situations. Maybe a personal note or card from the pastor, if nothing else seems right?
ReplyDeleteThis trips up personal stuff for me, I will admit - this fall I left a church I where I was the assistant pastor somewhat unexpectedly, and got almost nothing in the way of goodbye - no card, no small get-together, nothing. Which perhaps shows that leaving was the right call, but ...ouch.
I'm a great believer in the personal note or personal card...even when the air is full of the dust they've knocked off their sandals in departing...!!
DeleteI wonder if a Blessing of a Sabbatical could be modified in this case? We all need sabbaticals and I have seen many lay leaders get a bit burned out before they realize that they need one. Blessing the time away could be the antidote to the sadness on both sides and allow everyone to talk in healthy ways about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd it might also offer the opportunity for lay leaders, and others, to clarify whether they really want to Go Away or just want to Be Attended To...which is sometimes expressed in the announcement that "I'm thinking of taking a holiday from church."
DeleteI find that when people lower their level of participation dramatically, I need to have an intentional practice or ritual for ME. I need to pray and meditate on letting them go. Not thinking that this church is the answer to everyone's needs. Acknowledging to God (and not to the person who has bowed out) that my heart is broken a little by the changing relationship. I used to try to convince people to stay. It was painful for everyone, and didn't do anything for God, I'm sure. Let 'er go. Say a prayer of blessing for yourself. Do it over and over until you don't even want her to come back. That's grace, in my opinion.
ReplyDeletea very useful and practical response -- I thank you!
DeleteThis response came in on the AtM email from one of our matriarchs:
ReplyDeleteI am afraid I am of the mind that when someone doesn't come, there is a reason. And often it has less to do with the parish, pastor or Church. Sometimes it is just where a person is in their faith journey or in their life. My feeling is that the more that we make of their absence, the harder it is for them to come back.
Meeting with them for coffee or lunch is always good. It shows the concern that you have for someone personally. You can always ask why, but be prepared to receive a vague answer. Sometimes they don't even know. If they WILL talk, then you will have some idea then you can decide what to do.