Ask the Matriarch--Doesn't Anybody Here Trust Anybody?

Good morning, RevGals and Pals.

 

Our question for this week comes very close to the absolute heart of what challenges us as pastors, I think.  Our enquirer wishes to remain anonymous -- or suggests we can call her "Square One" -- and her question really is a kind of square-one question.  In my experience, too, it's a reality that was never, never touched on in my seminary training; maybe you had a different kind of formation, either in the classroom or in conversations with mentors?

 

Square One asks: 

 

What are some ways that I, the pastor, can try to build trust among the congregation? I don't get the sense that they don't trust me (at least not mostly), but I do get the feeling--though no one has said it outright--that people in the congregation have felt hurt and betrayed by others in the congregation, and that the trust of elected leaders, especially session committees, is very low. There seems to be a lot of questioning, second-guessing, and some subtle undermining going on. How can I begin building a foundation of trust and faith in each other?

 

Our friend Muthah+, who blogs at stoneofwitness.blogspot.com ,  as always, has wisdom to share --

 

This is a toughie because often times these dynamics go back for generations and there won't be much that you can do for it.  BUT God's grace is greater that all the demented dynamics of parishes.  

I would preach about the problem of lack of trust using images that have nothing to do with the parish but are easily translated to your situation.  Try to emphasize God's mercy.  If there are ways that un-trusting people can work on a project that will work may help. Any success that can be had, laud and magnify.  Accentuate the positive. Try to be as gentle as possible.  This problem will probably not be worked out during your tenure, but you can help people who have been alienated to regain confidence in themselves and the God who loves them.  

Make sure that the session is being extremely transparent in their actions and get them to welcome suggestions.  The more there is frank but loving conversation about issues the better it will be.  Of course there will always be those trolls that would rather fight than do anything--it is part of the way that they understand what it means to be Christian but address them with respect and if possible humor.  

Do not let yourself be triangulated.  Give opposing voice the possibility to discuss the issues with one another if possible.

 

and she adds a PS:   Get a copy of Ed Friedman's book published after his death:   Failure of Nerve.    His work deals much with these dynamics in community. 

 

 

And for another effective tactic, we have this from our friend Songbird, who blogs at Reflectionary:

 

Dear Square One,

The best way to build trust is to listen. Listening shows you care, that the experiences of the person talking matter to you. The best way to get a chance to listen in an injured congregation is to put in the time visiting or meeting with as little agenda as possible. Let them talk about the small stuff until they open up about the actual hurts. 

I served an Interim in a wounded congregation. I did more home visits there than at any other time in my ministry. I accepted invitations to lunch and dinner. I listened to hours of family and local history. Finally, someone opened up about the damage done in the past. And someone else. And someone else. And someone else. Somehow the word got out that I was to be trusted. 

The way I made these visits happen was to ask for the knowledge or advice of active members about very low stakes matters in the life of the church. "May I stop by and talk with you about the Fair?" Or the way you've done the Stewardship campaign? Or how you made that delicious corn chowder? At the end of every visit, I prayed, reminding them I was there as their pastor, showing God's care and mine. 

When you create a climate of trust, you'll hear what the real troubles are and be able to take the next step, building their trust in each other. 

Blessings to you in your ministry.

So there we have it!  A big thank you to both our responders -- and now let us know what your experience has been in building mutual trust, openness, lovingkindness!  What has worked for you?  What have you seen working in others' ministry?

As always, we are eager to add your ministry questions to our list -- please do send them along to askthematriarch@gmail.com (and indicate whether you prefer to remain anonymous?)

blessings all!