Our post this week is a very serious one. Our rev gal has blogged about her situation, and the matriarchs had the opportunity to read her blog posts, as you will notice when you read some of the responses.
I
have had significant security issues at church, where I am the rector. I have
currently been dealing with a stalker, who is also a sex offender. I finally
began writing about it in my blog, but wanted to formulate some question about
church security. Before I had the stalker (this is his second time stalking me
- he was in prison for a few years and just got out) I walked around church in
a state of familiarity that I was unaware of any danger signs. I'm working
on finding the balance between being awake (a good Advent discipline) and
aware, without being hyper vigilant.
After writing a 5 part blog series on my
situation, I decided the story is so dark and disturbing that I took the blog
series down. I do have all the text though. My stalker is a violent rapist and
he had created what is called a 'hot room' in a bathroom at a nearby cemetery.
This sort of room is created to bring someone back to. On Sunday mornings there
were squad cars in front of my church for my protection This has been
quite a journey for me and as a result I'm thinking about doing a
workshop on theology of self defense.
Have you ever had to deal with a stalker or someone who wanted to do you harm?
Have you found cause to increase security
and/or surveillance around your facility? Who participated in the
decision-making? What worked? What would you do differently?
What advice do you have for this rector?
From Terri,
who blogs at Seeking Authentic Voice
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Goodness. I am
grateful you have taken the self defense training. And, I am thankful your
Bishop is taking this seriously and insisting you take some time off.
From my
experience and training this situation requires assistance from professionals
who are trained in a comprehensive approach to violence against women. The
threat of violence and stalking are a form of violence. Have you done any
research into what help is available? Such as connecting with one of the
various "Violence Against Women" organizations like "Not In Our
Pews"? Even though this is not a domestic violence situation, they will
have ideas of how to prepare and protect yourself. What I like about "Not
In Our Pews" is that they partner with local social work agencies,
churches, and law enforcement, to create a comprehensive approach to protect
the victim. You can read more about them on my blog here.
Also, it seems
that acquiring some training for you and your leadership team/vestry/staff will
help. I don't know the thought process behind a stalker but it seems that
secrecy may be one of their veils of abuse? Again, a comprehensive approach
from organizations trained in domestic/partner abuse including churches, local
law enforcement, and mental health agencies, can give you training and
direction.
I hope you find
the help you need and can live again with a greater sense of peace. You remain
in my prayers!
Dear Sistah,
I have never had
a situation like this. I have never been an 'object' of anyone's
fascination. It sounds like you
are doing some important things for yourself. The self defense class is
good to remind you of the power you do have. You have spiritual power
that this stalker does not. You need only to call upon God to give you
that inward power, the skill of not folding before fear and evil. That is
what your Indian story is about.
I think we all
come face to face with Evil in someway--it is essential to our growth in
faith. Your encounter is quite manifest. And there comes a
time when we all have to choose not to feed the Evil wolf. You
have chosen to do that with this question to us. Now, like anytime we
have to make a change in our selves to follow the Good, the practice is the
hard part. Ask yourself first if you are afraid to die. And then
deal with that question. Then ask yourself if you are afraid of being
raped. And then deal with that. Once we begin to really think
through scenarios, we fill begin to realize that we often have more fear of the
fear than we have of the reality. Of course we don't want these things to
happen! And of course fear (the right kind of fear) is
necessary for self-preservation. But it is often the fear of the fear
that saps our strength and makes us powerless and vulnerable.
Fear feeds a
predator's desire to stalk. In AA we have a phrase "fake it 'till ya
make it." It is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been
given. Sometimes we have to live into a state of being before we can call
it our own. Start living as if you are NOT afraid. This does NOT
mean be foolish--take the precautions that are appropriate. But live into
your fearless love for God. Living fearlessly t'ain't easy but it does
make a difference and it will become a part of you. It may turn him
off.
Building into
your life ways of resting and restoring your strength will keep your
spiritual 'immune system' in good health. When was your last
retreat? Do you have prayer time morning and night worked into your
daily schedule that are more important than "getting things
done?" Do you have prayer partners that are lifting you and holding
you in their daily prayers? Do you hold them?
I rejoice
with you in having a bishop who is understanding and helpful. I had to
leave a parish for almost 2 months due to stress and fatigue one time
too . I hated that I would be viewed as 'fragile' afterward. But
neither the parish nor the bishop saw it that way. People understand
when their beloved pastor has been hassled just because you serve
them.
Your buildings
need to be secure--the parish needs to see to that. Get a good security
company come and do an evaluation of your offices and church and an
estimate. If your budget cannot support the changes needed ask the bishop
or look for funds through various women's organizations. Check
out Take Back the Night and similar organizations that you can get more
information so that you feel strengthen enough to enjoy life without 'constant
hyper-vigilance'.
You are in
my prayers. Rest now and come back fierce in your love for God and God's
people. Let "If God be for us, who can be against" be your
mantra. And let your friends in the parish know what you are fighting, if
they don't already know. They will protect you. Believe me,
the men in your parish will absolutely take care of you-- let their desire to
care for you make you safer. It will give some of them a real sense of
being needed in a "woman-led church." Use machismo to your
benefit. If you need your home watched while you sleep, they will do
that. This is what 'community' means. Work with local
law enforcement (I am sure you have already done this). But spend this
New Year living freely feeding the Good Wolf.
And I
know that you can depend upon many of us holding you in our
prayers until this man is caught or discouraged.
From Kathryn:
My friend, there
are two levels to your question. Our church's governing body is phasing in
increased levels of security (rekeying, sectioning off areas of the church,
security cameras, more people presence). I can detail these efforts for those
interested as I know from experience that churches tend to be all (mega church
security guards) or nothing (why do we need to keep people from being in the
building?).
However, after
reading your blog post, clearly things for you are already at another level. I
am sorry for the fear you have been living with. I am grateful your Bishop
appears to get it, but have great concerns that this situation is not going to
get better for you.
I think at the very
least an honest conversation needs to be had with local authorities, your
family, your denominational authorities and the leaders in your local
congregation about what security measures must be put in place for your own
peace of mind.
Jennifer writes:
I have no
personal experience with an on-site stalker, but trust that you have alerted
your governing board, the local authorities and people close to you about this
troubling situation. You should not, for any reason, be coping with this
alone. From your blog, it sounds as though you have enrolled in
self-defense classes, which is good.
Please allow
others to assist you in coping with this. Thank you for asking for our
help. I hope that you also find resources where you are to help you find the
balance you seek and allow you to be an effective pastor and a wise and
responsible person.
Please join in this very serious conversation, whether you have faced a similar danger or not. And please join in praying for our sister and for all who face such violence, as well as those who are snared by sin into perpetrating violence.
May we all live freely in God's amazing grace+
rehoney