Ask the Matriarch - Juggling Parish and Parent Care Edition

We who are pastoral caregivers are often also caring for our children or our parents, and some of us are caring for both...hence this week's question.

Hi Matriarchs:

I know that there are lots of RevGals out there who are juggling mothering and ministry, but I'm wondering about those who are at the other end of the life cycle and are juggling caregiving and ministry. My Dad is 86, and has a dementia. My step-mother is the same age and is a very late stage Alzheimer's patient, requiring total care. My step-mom is in a long term care facility that is attached to the (very good) Assisted Living facility, where my Dad lives, so their day to day needs are well looked after. That being said, in my Dad's case, he still gets lonely, he still gets worried, he still gets frustrated and upset and it is me he turns to. It always seems to get particularly bad around Easter and Christmas (which is totally understandable), but, of course, that is the time when my own resources are pretty low.

I try to reframe the situation is the most positive way possible, it's great for my prayer life, it keeps me humble, it gives me awareness of what a great many in my parish are dealing with, etc. etc., But sometimes it gets pretty difficult and the guilt rears its ugly head and bites me pretty hard. I'm wondering about others who are in similar situations, what kind of things they've discovered that can help, and any words of wisdom they might be able to share.



Jennifer, who blogs at An Orientation of Heart, writes

Dear Friend,

I think all of us who feel stretched thin by the demands of ministry so understand the frustrations and challenges of family life, especially at critical stages and critical times in life. Something or someone always seems to suffer and may need more than we have to offer. You haven’t said how near or far away for folks are. Can you plan some visits after Christmas and Easter (and other times, too) so that your dad has something on the calendar to look forward to?

Who do you talk to? Maybe it would be helpful to talk to someone about the guilt you’re feeling. If you’re concerned about not being as available as you’d like, is it possible to set up a regular time to chat on the phone? Again, it might help your dad to have that chat to anticipate and you, so that you could speak with him when you don’t feel quite so crunched. Plans for contacts that you feel good about may help you feel better about your availability to your dad and step-mom. If you feel guilty because you’d like to do more or be there more, do act on that! Regrets are not comfortable things at all…and time is limited.

If you feel guilty because you’re being made to feel so, think about what you are able to do, communicate that, and help your dad widen his network of support so that the burden doesn’t fall completely to you. Stephen ministers, visitation pastors, chaplains in assisted living settings, and friendly visitors are all great sources of support and nurture. Maybe knowing that there are others in your family’s life who are reaching out to them will be a source of comfort to you, too.

Muthah, who blogs at A Stone of Witness, writes

Dear Daughter-sistah,

I went through this time with my mother. She too was in a good facility and my brother lived only 15 mins. away. But the guilt does raise its head. I finally figured out that it was MY problem and not my mother's and that helped.

Check with the social worker where your father is. Also check with you father's pastor so that the real needs of them are adequately covered. See to it that they are called on and visited regularly and then call them to see how they are getting along. You need to be able to salve your own anxiety about your parents' care.

My mother had outlived most of her friends so see if you can find church members who might be willing to visit with them. I knew that I could not care for my mother as well as the people in the retirement facility could and I just kept reminding myself of that. One of the problems with people late in lives is that they remember things that only family members can remember--your childhood, when they were young, etc. Share some of those stories with their caregivers. It will help them and help you.

Remember God has given you a ministry--they are your concern at present. If you are lucky enough to have a parish that is sympathetic to your situation you probably can negotiate time off to visit more often, but your parish is your main concern. You will always feel a bit guilty knowing that your most loved people in the whole world are at a time when they seem to need you most of all. But one thing that I have found is that when a person gets to that time when they are anxious about life/death issues, most likely they cannot talk about them to their children. Nor should I think that children can really help parents go through that. There IS an aspect of dying that is 'a lonesome valley' and we DO have to walk it by ourselves.

It sounds like you have done what you can. Prayer is what unites us at times when there is nothing else that will work. And allow yourself and them to be placed on your parish's prayer list. You will be in my prayers, Sistah. This is not an easy journey for them or for you, but know that we all have to walk this path in some way.

Sharon, at Tidings of Comfort and Joy, writes

Our amazingly strong and loving RevGal sister, please know that you have already done some very difficult and very helpful things: You have made sure that your loved ones are well cared for. You have bumped up against your limitations. You have said out loud that what you do seems inadequate and that you are feeling guilty and overwhelmed. Reframing is a great thing, and so is an enhanced prayer life.

The "Serenity Prayer" comes to mind for your complex concerns. I do not suggest this lightly or tritely. It is my own prayerful way to sort out where I might be over-functioning and where I might be under-functioning when I don't know what to do.

"Lord, help me to accept the things I cannot change ..." You are facing so much sadness and pain that you will not be able to change, yours and theirs. I wonder if this where your guilt is coming from. Can you allow yourself to lovingly accept the limitations: your limitations (time, energy, strategies) as well as your parents' limitations (age, ability to understand and accept) and even the limitations of the situation itself (it is messy, not solve-able)?

Then there's " . . . change the things I can . . . " Increase your self care. Whatever self care you think is enough, do more than that. There might be other ways you can increase the support they get (from friends, family, their church?) and the support you get (from all possible sources!) Sometimes just changing anything that you can change, even if it seems insignificant or silly, changes the bigger picture. I usually try to involve ice cream or flowers or music somehow; your strategies may vary.

" . . . and the wisdom to know the difference!" You are wise; it shows. Let that wisdom speak to you and free you from all anxiety and guilt. You love them immensely, that's obvious, so trust that, in all the ways you care for them, you are already loving them with the always-more-than-love of God.

Are you juggling parish and parent care? Do you have some insights to share? Use the "Post a Comment" function to join the conversation.

May you live in God's amazing grace+

revhoney