Ask the Matriarch - How Can We Do This Well?

A great question...especially as it relates to the welcome a church offers:

I've been visiting your lovely site for years now and always glean some inspiration, thank you.

I am part of an independent/ecumenical congregation that is slowly beginning to look at the issue of welcoming people of different sexual orientations. Slowly, leadership is having conversations with individual members to seek out their perspectives and stories. There's no one "pushing" this issue, i.e. wants to "come out" wondering if it's safe (as far as we know), but some people would like to be able to be sure that we are welcoming. Some members, while stating their own openness, worry that this will rip us apart. Others would rather let sleeping dogs lie and not deal with things at all, but this feels exclusive to some others!

My questions to all of you are, what process/resources do you recommend to us? How can we do this well?

Thanks!
from the prairies in Canada

From Sharon, blogging at Tidings of Comfort and Joy

"Why do we have to talk about it?" That's the question that we heard so often that a gay colleague and I developed an interactive presentation by that same title to take to churches just like yours who were struggling with whether it was even a good idea to open up a conversation about homosexuality and the church. So, I suggest that it could be helpful to start with a conversation about why you do have to talk about it. Include the opportunity to hear and address the fears of those who think it's better not to talk about it. Do you know someone from outside the congregation who could help facilitate that conversation?

The United Church of Christ website has some good information and resources on LGBT issues and how congregations can become Open and Affirming of all people. Something there might be helpful to you.

I would not start with a Bible study on homosexuality or with trying to come to consensus on what the Bible says about homosexuality. The Bible says many things that can be used to support both/all sides. In your case, you might consider a Bible study or book study on congregational hospitality.

Another thing to put in place immediately, if you don't have one already, is a safe church policy. I say this because that subject will come up in this context. The statement needs to be made that all children (youth, adults) are safe in your church because safeguards are in place and applied equally to all people at all times. When a church doesn't have a policy, I immediately get the leadership body (council, consistory, etc.) to adopt this as a beginning: Wherever there are children or youth, there must be two unrelated adults present (at least within earshot and fairly easy sight) at all times.

Many blessings to you and your congregation as you take these courageous steps!

And from Muthah+  who blogs at Stone of Witness

Dear Prairie Canadian,

As a lesbian, I want to thank you for being willing to address this issue in your congregation. So many still prefer to "keep quiet". But there are some really important issues that are out there to challenge your congregation and their willingness to provide that hospitality that the Christian message calls us to.

It is a difficult issue and few really want to talk about it. But I daresay you already have some members who are LGBT or have family members who have hidden their 'secret' for many years. They may not even yet be willing to be out among you, but by being welcoming you have embraced them in ways that they have never known. I have had LGBT members in my congregations my whole career. Some of them let me know and some did not. Some I supported quietly and some I had to be quite vocal about. This is long before I ever came out myself.

For those who are the most vociferous in rejecting LGBT people are often people who have had negative experiences especially in their youth. The are not likely to talk about these incidents but be prepared for them if they share their feelings privately. I am often horrified with the type of predation that happens to young people not by gays but by predators. And those who have been victims often identify them as 'gay' rather than predators.

Even though I am from a denomination (Episcopal) where this issue has supposedly torn us apart, it does not need to as long as people are allowed to express their feelings without judgement or that they must conform to a specific set of values. (In our denomination the split was less about LGBT folk than it has been a struggle who has the authority to interpret Scripture.) Slowly but surely LGBT folk are being seen in much more acceptable light. And we have dealt with the Scriptural problems that so many who are against seem to trot out. Be sure you have a working theology and have dealt with those passages in Scripture yourself so that you can lead by example. Don't expect LGBT folk to provide that for you as you invite them into your congregation. If you need to, go over those passages with the congregation so that they understand you have a good Biblical stance for your actions.

I have found that the more that people have contact with LGBT people, the more the barriers come down. Make sure that when LGBT folk are invited to the congregation that you have a plan of welcome prepared so that there are those who will go out of their way to treat them with grace and respect. Often it is same sex couples or families who come to your door that jar your members. Know which Sunday School classes are available; have someone who will reach out to them and guide them to the fellowship following the service or whatever you do as a community. Also do the follow-up calls.

It sounds as though you already have members who are ready to do this sort of thing. They just might be afraid of 'certain people' in the congregation who might say something untoward. LGBT folk are used to that. Just make sure that there are those who are supportive who are on your welcoming team so that you don't have to be worried about the 'troglodytes' in the parish while you are running the service.

I also want to commend your congregation for their willingness to address this issue. Many years ago--the bishop of San Francisco addressed our clergy conference in upstate NY. He chastised us for not being willing to minister to the LGBT members of our small communities that forced LGBT people to congregate in places like San Francisco, NYC and the like. This was at the height of the AIDS/HIV epidemic. And he was right. Thirty years ago gay folk were often so ostracized that there was no other places where they could find any affirmation. Hopefully, today our LGBT folk can live comfortably on the plains of Canada and be known as the creative people that they are.

Join in the conversation...share your thoughts on how we can do this well...

May you live in God's amazing grace+

revhoney