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| From the marvelous David Hayward, nakedpastor.com. |
At the time for the offering to be presented, Carol stood in front of the altar, waiting. The ushers with full offering plates stood at the back of the sanctuary, waiting. Finally, the ushers, still looking as if this were not the right thing to do, approached the altar; Carol said the prayer, the congregation sang the doxology and the service continued. Only in a conversation after the service did she discover that normally the pastor gave the prayer before the ushers brought the gifts to the altar. *
Ahem.
My first week gaffe had to do with passing out and collecting Communion trays, so I can identify. And there's also nothing more idiosyncratic than the Offering.
For the sake of my students, who are UCC, UU, ABC and Episcopal, will you share some of your stories? Write them in the comments, or leave a link to a blog post if you write one.
May your Monday be free of the unexpected!
* Miller, Barbara Day. The New Pastor's Guide to Leading Worship.
This is an easy one... which story to choose?
ReplyDeleteI was playing piano for a church for the first time. I came from a church where the music was played through the prayers for the offering and Communion. I played my offertory piece (TBTG it went well!) and then switched to a softer improv on the solo when the ushers brought the plates forward to the altar. I also modulated to the correct key for the Doxology. Score one for my first solo flight, I thought...
They stood there a LOOONNNNGGG time. Finally, the pastor prayed over my music and we sang the Doxology. All seemed well. As I took my seat in the congregation, a lady behind me whispered to her husband, "well she'll do, but someone's GOT to tell her not to play such dang long Offertories!"
Come to find out... there was to be NO music during the prayers.
Oh. Ooops. I didn't ask. They didn't think to tell.
Well, there was that time, the first Sunday of a 4-month interim while I was in seminary, when all had gone well and I was leading the prayers of the people. Their practice was to have the pastor invite prayers and then when that seemed to be done, the pastor would offer a sort of "summary" prayer and then lead the cong. into the Lord's Prayer. So, I am inviting the prayers, and do the "summary" and then...I completely forgot how the Lord's Prayer started! In my private prayers I had been using an inclusive version, and could not for the life of me remember how the traditional one (which I have known since near-infancy, goodness!) started! Finally it came to me but there sure was a very loooong pause. For at least a month afterwards I wrote the opening line in my bulletin just to be sure.
ReplyDeleteWith my current congregation, I once forgot to bring the grape juice for communion (we use a common cup). So we just used coffee instead. Thankfully my people are very laid-back, and no one minded. In fact I think someone joked that if Jesus were in a 21st century church he might very well have used coffee himself!
it wasn't a church service, but I blanked in the middle of the Lord's Prayer during my senior voice recital... I ended up singing "thy will be done, thy will be done" because I forgot the "thy kingdom come" line! (and I about died laughing because I can't believe that's what I blanked on, rather than forgetting something much harder and in French or German or whatever!)
DeleteI also forgot the Lord's Prayer... even worse because we were in an 'unchurched' congregation, I had put it on an overhead because I was not sure everyone knew it. I left out a line! I don't remember which one... but afterwards, when my husband told me, I was mortified.
DeleteI always write out the version of the Lord's prayer being used. aged care, traditional, Sunday morning contemporary - and I tend the get bits mixed up, so the whole thing is written in front of me.
Delete'they' never warn you about the health and safety implications around communion services. My supervisor and I had prepared a nice reflective communion liturgy for a Maundy Thursday service. All was going well: very good focused and worshipful atmosphere. The bread and wine having been distributed [elders taking to pews as per the local custom], the elders were making their approach back to the sanctuary space. My notes were by the side of my chair and I was to lead us all in the intercessions...I stretched to retrieve said notes. The combination of highly polished wooden chair and apparently slippery robes found me slide right off the chair onto the floor, and landing on my right thumb - all this in the blink of an eye, accompanied by a gasp from the congregation. The pain was agonising but I uttered not a word. Almost just as swiftly, I was back in my chair, with notes, thumb now swelling alarmingly and in such agony that I could not turn the page with that hand. I stood up and led the intercessions with a very wobbly 'leeet ussss prrrray' and so we prrrrayed.
ReplyDeleteAfter the service, the shaking of hands at the door was excruciating. I then went back to the vestry and my supervisor was a little cross. Apparently she had thought I was fussing about with my communion 'shot' glass...so hadn't realised what had actually happened. Silently I showed her my hand. Immediate pastoral response and we ruefully reflected on the mishaps of ministry.
Cue Easter Sunday. Pre-service.
Some members of the choir had looked in my direction and giggled. I wandered over to them with a raised eyebrow and a smile. They guiltily confessed that they had been discussing the events of Thursday evening...quickly remembering to ask how my hand was...blushed and then further confessed that their giggles had been caused by the suddenness of the situation. Apparently, having suddenly disappeared from view, my head then popped up, meerkat-like from behind the communion table...
On my final Sunday in placement, before the service, the choir called me over and presented me with a leaving present: a tartan-clad meerkat, which I still grin at every time I walk past...
You need a Presbyterian in that class! They know all about "decent and proper order." I grew up as a Presbyterian and am now UCC. In my current church, most goofs have to do with me keeping track of music variables. We do prayers of the people, a "summary" and Lord's prayer, followed by a sun prayer response. When the choir is present, they do a "call to prayer" after prayers of the people but before my "summary." When we swing back into choir season, I invariably forget the choir's call to prayer and start the pastoral summary. The organist then either flags me down (the organ is about 4 feet away) or they sing both the call to prayer and the response after it's all over! Those decent and proper Presbyterians would NEVER do that!
ReplyDelete1. I once started the words of institution in the wrong order (cup first). When I realized what I had done, I just stopped and said, "oops. Let's do this in the order Jesus did." and started again from the beginning. A sense of humor helps a lot!
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you wear a robe or alb, practice going up and down chancel steps or up and down to a raised pulpit.
My worst moment church moment happened when I was actually in college myself, and visiting a friend's church, much larger than the one I was used to, and I actually fumbled and DROPPED the collection plate. The floor of the church was actually slightly tilted toward the front of the sanctuary, so all the loose change rolled down under people's seats towards the front!!
ReplyDeletemamaS, John Shea has a marvelous poem about the Mass that goes all sideways...including mixing up the elements...
ReplyDeletewould love to see that poem if you have it handy.
Deletewill try to hunt it down...I remember an acolyte has a nose-bleed and the lector is mutinous and a whole host (ha!) of things go awry...
DeleteNo microphone stories yet...I had my mic on one time before a large and difficult memorial service, and was talking to/greeting people, including family. I thought and thought back after someone told me it was on, and I dont THINK i said anything too personal...
ReplyDeleteAt my ABC church, we celebrate communion the first Sunday of the month. Each month, a different team of volunteers takes care of bringing the bread and the juice, setting everything up, and distributing the elements. The person in charge of the bread is supposed to bring in a loaf (either homemade or bakery-made) that has already been partially sliced into six sections. The key to this is the *partial* slicing - if it isn't sliced at all, then I can't tear it in half easily when I get to that part of the liturgy. But if it's sliced all the way through (as it has been once or twice), the whole loaf falls apart as soon as I try to lift it.
ReplyDeleteOver the years, we've had many funny instances of people either slicing poorly or bringing in a kind of bread that doesn't work well (too crumbly, too dense, whatever). But nothing tops the time someone made a loaf of bread in advance, froze it, and then failed to thaw it completely before bringing it to church. On the outside, it looked fine - a plump, round loaf of seemingly fresh-baked bread. However, the bread volunteer that day also failed to pre-slice it. When I arrived at the table, I figured this was no problem, it was a small enough loaf that I could still tear it in two just fine. But when I got to the part where I was to break the bread, I couldn't do it. I got partway through it, and then I tugged, and tugged, and people started laughing. And I tugged some more, and I finally got it torn in two, to reveal a frozen core of bread.
I don't know what the symbolism of a partially frozen host is, but ever since that snafu, our volunteers have gotten much more attentive to the details of preparing the bread.
In my previous parishes, at the end of a funeral service, the priest has often invited the family to go before him (it's always been a him!) out of the church. I decided to do this in my new parish one day. After 4 (long) pews full of people had preceded me, I put a stop to it. I hadn't realised that "family" meant every conceivable relation - and that means at least 50 or 60 of them! We had long since finished singing the hymn before we got the coffin out of the church. I've never tried that again!
ReplyDeleteI once witnessed a baby being baptised with the wrong name. Fortunately the parents were friends of the minister, so the mum just sort of coughed and stage-whispered "actually he's called Michael". Loud enough for the choir, which she was a member of, to hear. Seriously difficult for us to keep a straight face. Thereafter, a postit was stuck to the side of the font with the name on it.
ReplyDeleteOur local (baptist) church legend has it that the pastor once blanked on "in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit" at a baptism. For ages there was a little card taped to the top of the baptistry with the relevant phrase.
Thanks so much for these great stories! Keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteI agreed to take Christmas Eve in a neighbouring parish to help out a colleague. I got a long email explaining the way they did everything. After a grueling drive in (hills + snow + time pressure are not a good mix!) I got there in time to check in with everyone before the service - everything seemed in order. We start the service, everything is going smoothly, ... the first reader reads the first reading, sits down, and then everyone waits expectantly (including me!). After 30s or so of awkward silence, I turned to the nearest choir member - they were waiting for me to lead the psalm! Whoops.
ReplyDeleteNot a novel experience, but the fact that it was Christmas Eve made everything seem more intense!
Hi parodie! -- you remind me of the most DREADED sound in liturgy -- the shuffling of choir feet indicating that something has just gone south...e.g. turning over 2 pages at once on the altar-book etc.
DeleteBeing a commissioned lay minister, I very seldom preside over the Eucharist -- it's usually only if our pastor is ill or away, and there's a certain bureaucratic protocol we have to go through with our synod office to allow me to do so...all of which means that it's very easy to forget things or get caught off guard in odd situations. I think the first time I was called upon to preside, I forgot the Lord's Prayer until our organist stage-whispered to me from the corner -- yipes. Then there was the time that my alb sleeve brushed a wafer off the paten onto the floor, necessitating a quick swoop on my part (I just ate it myself). Then there was the time that one of our teens brought along a friend who, after receiving the wafer from me, took a big gulp from the chalice and THEN grabbed a couple of our "wee cuppies" and knocked them back as well -- it all happened so quickly that no one in the line was able to direct her, and obviously her hosts hadn't prepped her for what was going on. A lay ministry colleague, a SAM, got into hot water at a church he was doing supply preaching for when he assumed that the young children coming up to Communion would be getting a cross-on-head blessing...turns out that early communication is the local custom, and a lot of parents were irritated/offended by his perceived slight to their kids. I know I've resolved to practice the liturgy and choreography over our dishwasher (the perfect altar height) during my "off-season" so that I appear more confident the next time I get called into duty.
ReplyDeleteI'll see earthchick's story and raise her one . . .PC(USA) church, Christmas Eve, two lovely loaves of homemade white bread are in prep area before the "early" service, the SRO one w/ hundreds of people, pagaent, etc. One labeled for 4pm service, one for "midnight" service. But pastor consecrates and distributes both of them at 4pm, not realizing second was meant for late service. Time to set up the table in the back of the church w/ the elements for the "Midnight" service and they realize there's no bread, and all grocery stores are closed. Choir member who lives nearby runs home, pulls a frozen homemade loaf out of her freezer, and stands in the choir room kitchenette microwaving it repeatedly all through the sermon.
ReplyDeleteIt's brought up at the offertory, consecrated, torn, and it's . . . cinnamon raisin swirl, with lots of butter !!! . . . which is all totally melted from the microwave.
In that congregation we tore the loaf into six large chunks and it was passed down the pews and everyone ripped off a piece and served the person next to them. By the end of the service everyone in the congregation had sticky fingers covered in cinnamon swirl and butter. (Which taste doesn't go well w/ grape juice, IMHO.) What made it even funnier is that lots of people in the pews thought it was deliberate--that they had made "special" bread b/c it was Christmas.
As a high-church Episcopalian working in that congregation as a lay professional, I had no end of fun teasing the senior pastor about it for months. "You don't believe in transubstantiation or anything even remotely related to it? How can that be? I've seen you DO it! On Christmas Eve just before the 4:00 I saw the communion bread and it was two loaves of crusty sourdough. At the midnight service you prayed over it and broke it and it had become cinnamon raisin! "
HA!! What a great story!
DeleteAt the end of one of my first communion services, I said "and the blessing ..." and forgot the rest. I tried again, and the mental block was still there. Increasingly desperate, I then said "I'm sorry, my brain is stuck. God bless you anyway" After that I've had *every* word in front of me just in case!
ReplyDeleteTwo minute pause at a funeral where I was to lead the prayers of thanksgiving, supplication and go into Lord's Prayer...
ReplyDelete"I did the "as he taught us to pray together saying," but the rest would not come.
People thought I was all emotional and could not get the prayer going because I was trying not to cry.
Since them I always put the beginning of Lords Prayer down!
Glad to know I am not the only one.
Lots of goofs on my part by not knowing "how" a church does communion.
Since I have learned you ask...How do you do communion.
Funeral story - even after putting something in the bulletin requesting that all turn off their cellphones during the service, I got to the point where I do the commendation prayers - a moment of great solemnity and beauty - turned to the pall-covered casket, laid my hand upon it, took a breath, and then someone's cellphone went off, playing "Dixie." I waited for the person to turn it off, but apparently it was at the very bottom of her handbag, so this went on for a good 45 seconds, forever it seemed. Given that the departed was not a southerner, I suspect he was spinning in the casket.
ReplyDeleteThen another funeral story, proving why "open mike" is such a bad idea: wife of associate pastor died after a long battle with cancer. We were invited to share something about her. No. One. Got. Up. The family had offered a brief remembrance/eulogy, and there had been a homily from the senior pastor, but no one had anything to add. Not because she wasn't a good person, whom they all loved, but this was a shy group, or they felt everything had been said.
I had a terrible bout of poison ivy this summer and the worst day even after visiting Urgent Care was of course on a Sunday I was presiding.
ReplyDeleteHalfway through through the words of institution, my mind just goes completely blank... and I have the words printed right in front of me. I think I was feeling so awful, my brain couldn't handle it...
Then I have the senior pastor loudly and conspicuously whispering, "This cup is the new covenant!!!"
another funeral story re. 'open mic' slots:
ReplyDeletefriend who was conducting the funeral knew the family well. All were happy to have an open space for friends to come and share. And folks did, including the chap who got up and reminisced in a misty-eyed way:
'I'll always remember his favourite hymn: On an hill far away stood an old rugged cross...where the deer and the antelope play.'
Friend managed not to er, 'corpse', and retained her composure. I have never been able to sing that hymn since without giggling :D
Most of the year, we sing the Doxology as the offering plates are brought to the altar by the acolyte. Except in Lent when we say something not written ANYWHERE in the altar missal (maybe it's from the 1928 version?). Last Lent was my first Lent as a priest. I knew all of this ahead of time, but as I raised the offering plates my mind completely blanked and I said "I know I'm supposed to say something here but I cannot remember what it is." The congregation laughed and the acolyte master whispered, "All things come of Thee O God." Then I could say it and go on... It is now penciled in.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the final blessing of Rite II in the Episcopal Church is not in the Altar Missal - It's in Rite I, so I copied it and put it in the front cover so that when I get there, it looks as though I am closing the book when I am actually cheating and peeking. I'm just starting to branch out to other blessings.
The stories about blanking on lines of prayers and benedictions reminds me of a story my husband told me. A clergy friend of his was called on at a public gathering to lead a group in the Lord's Prayer. The man stood up and went to the front, everyone bowed their heads, and the man began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
ReplyDeleteI've been petrified ever since of flubbing the Lord's Prayer, so now I print it out verbatim at the end of my Prayers of the People. We say it every week, but I'm always still a little nervous that I will drop a line or say it wrong!
This is why I always look at it, every single Sunday. We print it in the bulletin, for newcomers, and I always open my eyes just enough to follow it. Don't want the wrong words going out over the mic!
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